I finally got it

Believing in people is an essential part of me. Knowing good will prevail, that people are not intentionally mean. But that makes no difference when you are left behind. When people you love disappear. When you realise you invested so much time and energy in a relationship that is easily forgotten by the other party. When you realise that no matter how much you love you always stand alone. 

When you are younger you find solace in knowing your family has your back. When you grow up you realise you were living in an illusion. You thought you can trust the people who brought you into this world, but life is full of revelations. Including the realisation, you don't really matter. You are sometimes useful as a means of escape, and maybe sometimes as someone who can provide some sort of service for free, after all, you are family. But when you are honest, you don't really matter. Accepting that lesson is harder then it should be. I have known from an early age that I am not someone people seek out. But I was living under preteens that partners and family would care. Such a silly notion. 

It is kind of hard to ignore the dull ache in your chest. When you know you should be over the moon about the dreams coming true. And you are, but at the same time, the loneliness and loss are evident too. 

When you realise you are just a moron who hoped people could see the good in me. I should have known better. I was told from an early age, I should be ashamed and that I would never be much. One has to be awfully thick to not see the clues. I guess I finally got what they were telling me all this years...

2017

Every year I am looking forward to winter. A time when everything calms down and some sort of evaluation can be made. But this year I am not privileged to that. No time to step back and observe. No time to cool down and evaluate from a healthy perspective. This year has been handing out blow after blow.
When I was growing up I had this romantic notion that when I will be in a certain period of my life things will be clearer, I will be stronger and more attentive. Empty will be my go to state; that I will be enough just because I am. But this year knocked all the remaining naivety out of me. When you have been born with the preposition you are trash then there is no way you can ever be anything more then that...
In more cynical moments I laugh at my constant will to try harder. I have no idea why I don't just give up and let go. But I have been trained too well. I have to shoulder lions part of the blame, no matter if it was of my making or not. I am here to carry it. And if there comes a time of weakness and I stand up for myself or my loved one... Ohhh the horror! How can I be so ungrateful! You selfish, selfish soul. It is so unfair of me to forget (even for a minute) where my place is. The family embarrassment..
Yup. It is a blessing to not have time for any kind of reflection... that way I might get a silly notion to talk back and maybe grow a spine... and we can't have that, can we?
I hate 2017.

The disappearing act

I've been a pen pal for over two decades... on and off. But I was really active the last couple of months. I love the process, I love getting to know people and forging new friendships that wouldn't have happened otherwise. I am a long term kind of pen pal. In the last few weeks two things have happened in my pen pal world. I was shot down quite harshly by two people that I really liked writing to. They both work in the same field on almost identical positions, but I think that is just a coincidence. 

I make it a point to never lie and I try to be as clear as possible. I am not misleading and I don't have a pen pal/Internet persona. I am who I am and I operate under assumption that others are like that as well. 

The things that have happened? I was shot down by two people for being me and being honest. Not mean or hurtful or anything like that. Not purposely at least or to my knowledge. Well I feel like I've lost two friends. And it sucks. I love people. I know I am not the best person in the world, but I have hoped to be a decent person that would be worth more then a harsh brush off. Well as it turned out all the hours spent writing and reading etc. are more or less worthless to the people I invested that time in. The relationship easily discharged. And that hurts big time. 

But when I think about the situation further, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It has been happening to me for ages. I guess I am just too thick to learn my lesson and stop believing in people, expect the worst and all that jazz. I still believe in family even though they throw me under the bus whenever it suits them. I believe in people and I believe in my friends. I still love and I still dream. I still think good will prevail. I know I am naive and I have to learn my lesson and that most of the time the majority of things that are happening have nothing to do with me. 

My plan of action? Be the best wife/daughter/aunt/friend/penpal/coworker/whatever I can ever be. There will always be better/smarter/more astounding/whatever you want then me. But I will try my best to be better. I don't function under any pretence that I deserve anything. I am not entitled to anything, but I would love to be granted a common curtsy. But as it turns out, that is way more then I (at least according to some) deserve. Maybe some day I will understand and I will learn the lesson...

To my collected family

We are used to whining. Sometimes we just need to let of a bit of steam to breath again and sometimes we are just too self absorbed to notice how unjust we are. And sometimes we find people who are just a blessing. I am not saying anything about perfection, mind you, but I am talking about how some people are just spectacular. I won't go into details, but sometimes this spectacular people cross our paths; it is one in a million chance that you meet them and most of the time the odds aren't in your favour. But sometimes we just beat the odds. And when that happens you have to see. You have to take a leap of faith and jump. I jumped this summer and met a spectacular person that brings so much light into my life, most of the time just by being.
I think that in this life we have two families. One we are born into (we have no influence on what family we are born into) and the other we collect. We choose our partners and we collect our friends. When you are really blessed and can be bothered to take your head out of your ass, you form a strong family filled with spectacular humans from all walks of life.
My collected family is vibrant, full of people from all over. They are my chicks! Ok some guys are huge, but I still worry and mama hen is never pleased when my chicks aren't happy and fed, so my chicks. The point is, we have to work hard to form our family. It doesn't just happen. We have to be open and vulnerable and we have to take leaps of faith. Plus we have to stuck together. We have to be there even when we "don't have time". We take care of each other. And we don't forget. This bonds are strong and they last a lifetime. We don't stop talking because someone forgot a birthday or someone has a bad day or a piece of land was divided. We stick together and we tell each other the truth. Even when we suck or when we are wrong; but we know it comes from the place of love; not from the place where control is everything.
I am blessed. I have both families. One that I didn't choose (and for them I am definitely not the first pick), but I accepted it. The other family I collected. And I collect with care and I am one blessed person. When you have THAT family you know you did good. I did something really right.
Darlings you are my saviours, my shoulders to cry on and the ones that make everything worth while. You are the ones that jell at and with me and whisper encouragements. You know when to slap the stupid out of me and when to smother me with hugs and kisses, even when I scream to let go. You know and you are deeply appreciated.

I love you all!

p.s. Today it was pointed out to me that my posts are depressing. This is part of my redemption. :)

My lives worth according to my own blood

Sometimes it happens. When I am put in my spot. I have forgotten. These words were part of my nightmares as long as I remember, and when daylight came I was telling myself everything is just a product of my imagination. But it is not. 

On Saturday they became reality; the mean and spiteful words got mouth and got a voice. But not at death of a night but in pristine nature, illuminated by the sun ... and it became clear that the only possible path is a path that leads away. It was enough. Enough of hurt and I will not allow it to go on. Yes I came from their blood and they have their own truth , as do I. I will no longer struggle and justify my existence to them. Enough is enough. This does not mean that it will not fell remorse . But at least I won't live in a cages and bow my heads willingly, just to please. No more searching for shelter and humility. It was enough. Now it's high time for me and my loved ones. I will no longer adapt so that I belonged. The choice is mine, and they're welcome in my world , but not on their terms.

Cruel words that have cut through unhealed scars to the heart, also cut the ties that held me there. It's nice to be able to breath. Interesting that I never knew that I was breathing with only half of the capacity. That constant breathlessness... I was bending backwards to at least fit in, if I couldn't be accepted. 

I got a recognition all right. They told me what I am, according to them. Lazy, ungrateful,  incompetent and parasitic. Right. I'm sorry they had to see and experience it, as I am their offspring. Thank God they didn't only bet on one horse. Their first runner is running the way it should. I'm happy for them. So life is not a complete waste. 

I am grateful for the realizations, no matter what brought them or how they were delivered. I am grateful to breath again.