Hopes for the new year

I talked to a friend, not long ago, about what people want. What they really want. I try not to assume things. I am very aware of the fact that people assume, when they have no idea and that is how hurt and resentments are born. I don't need that. I try and as for an example. I don't understand so I ask for an example. And I pay attention. To everything, voice shades, gestures, everything. It is only fair. 

I cannot judge how people live and validate their life. Once a friend of mine commented, that I actually have an off-line life and happily I agree. I started noticing how much value is put on "likes" and "views". I know that people crave approval, even if from the virtual world. But I always get this weird bitter taste in my mouth when people talk so proudly of their on-line popularity and likes etc. I always wonder (quietly of course) if it really is worth it. 

I started noticing how important group photos became and how almost every witty thing ended up on Twitter of Facebook or somewhere similar. I banned tagging of photos and became the difficult one. I have no need for everyone to know that I am having a great girls night out. I don't need likes on my newest reading choice etc. But I do realise that is just me. The off-line girl... but then I came across this article and realised that the need of virtual approval penetrated deeper into our lives. It cut to the very core. It is breaking up families and making life unbearable... just because it is not picture perfect. Maybe I don't have problem with that because nothing I am or do is picture perfect. I mean it's life!

But then I dug deeper and I realised quite a few of my friends think the same way. Life shouldn't be seen only through different filters. Life should be explored, tasted and lived! Not just seen through someone else's eyes. No snap of a food-plate or retouched selfie will ever bring me the high a day well lived will. 

I hope new year will bring the realisation that the important thing in life is finding peace, love, joy and excitement in your every day life. Let the game of 2015 begin!   

Shout out of the day

Maybe today is a funny day but it is fascinating how much negativity is curling around. I can almost taste it. How some are just sucking up and gloating. Things happen. People come and go but why would we want to dwell on other peoples misery, I will ever know.

maybe because so many things happened I am not ready to do that. if that means to be a grown up I am not and I don't want to be., I will not become cynical. I will try to bring people together and do good, not bad. Why would I dress myself in darkness if I can bring stability, compassion and life? 

I always look for inspiring things and funny enough I always find it. I am surrounded with spectacular people who do fantastic work. And I am blessed with life and everything that is around me and my shout out to the world today is... don't give in. Don't let yourself to be sucked in. Don't give in to bullying or insults or humiliation. It is OK if those things touch you, but they do not define you. Only you know who you are and only you can make yourself care for yourself. You never live for anyone else, but yourself.

You are a gift of God, act accordingly. ;)        

My lives worth according to my own blood

Sometimes it happens. When I am put in my spot. I have forgotten. These words were part of my nightmares as long as I remember, and when daylight came I was telling myself everything is just a product of my imagination. But it is not. 

On Saturday they became reality; the mean and spiteful words got mouth and got a voice. But not at death of a night but in pristine nature, illuminated by the sun ... and it became clear that the only possible path is a path that leads away. It was enough. Enough of hurt and I will not allow it to go on. Yes I came from their blood and they have their own truth , as do I. I will no longer struggle and justify my existence to them. Enough is enough. This does not mean that it will not fell remorse . But at least I won't live in a cages and bow my heads willingly, just to please. No more searching for shelter and humility. It was enough. Now it's high time for me and my loved ones. I will no longer adapt so that I belonged. The choice is mine, and they're welcome in my world , but not on their terms.

Cruel words that have cut through unhealed scars to the heart, also cut the ties that held me there. It's nice to be able to breath. Interesting that I never knew that I was breathing with only half of the capacity. That constant breathlessness... I was bending backwards to at least fit in, if I couldn't be accepted. 

I got a recognition all right. They told me what I am, according to them. Lazy, ungrateful,  incompetent and parasitic. Right. I'm sorry they had to see and experience it, as I am their offspring. Thank God they didn't only bet on one horse. Their first runner is running the way it should. I'm happy for them. So life is not a complete waste. 

I am grateful for the realizations, no matter what brought them or how they were delivered. I am grateful to breath again.

Be humbled by gratitude and change the world for the better

Lately, I've more or less blue. And once again I cam across  a young woman that inspires so many. Natali Patterson has a lot to say and supports many. She's nice to hear and read her inspiring words, but her words do not speak me to as is intended. In me they awaken the awareness that I have no right to be blue and anxious. So what if I cannot have children and I am overweight. Elsewhere, people are dying because of the violence, racial, gender, religious... Little girls are married before their time; wives mutilated just because their husbands please so. Machete is a common means of communication.
Women have no education, no means of survival, no support. They do not have the potential for change and no hope for better times. One reminder of harsh reality is a project by photographer Vlad Sokhin Crying Meri. He is showing the misery of women in Morobe province on Kassam Pass in Papua New Guinea. There 90 % of women are victims of gender violence. Life is by no means a walk in the park.
That is one of the reason why I despise my blue state of mind. I should be thriving and changing world for the better. I should be enthusiastic about life and the possibility that we have today and were given to us.
New realisations and gratitude are pouring in and it is humbling. I suppose Spring does bring change and awakening. I sincerely hope and pray that it will bring at least a glimmer of hope to those who need it the most.

Do you feel it?

I mean really??!! Do you? The first blow of spring wind that doesn't freeze your tush off and when you hear birds singing so loud that your ears almost hurt? When we become giddy with anticipation.

Oh yeas I am guessing that the deepest dark comes right before dawn! And even this year I wasn't disappointed! Now it is time to thrive. I know I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I haven't been this optimistic in ages! I know that there will be time for that secret road trip no one except me and co conspirator M. will know about. There will be time to grow whatever I want to grow. We will do a lot of good in the woods and babies will be born and jobs will be done, relationships will be concluded and new one will begin. Oh yeas. There is much to do this season.

Life is grand! No matter of the colour scheme. We have so much to accomplished and so much to feel. Even if its not all good but we experience it anyway and we learn. There are all kinds of people around us. A rich pallet of them. Some spoiled and need to be thrown out of our lives and some precious that still need tender care and those who are there to stay and make our lives oh so rich!

Thank you all my beautiful people! For sticking around, lending a hand and using my shoulder whenever needed. It makes all the difference. I am so proud to be one of you.

Oh yes! The spring is definitely here!

One of those days

The day after... when something that occupied your life ended and you start again. When you have hard time breathing. When you feel life slipping through your fingers. When you know that nothing is enough and the waste of life is a real thing and you are living it.

Maybe that is the indication that I was working too much on others and not enough on myself. And at that realisation I feel guilty, the curtsey of my family. They explain my most feared things as nothing but my imagination. I don't have kids because I don't want them enough. The concentration and effort I put in my mental stability is just result of the fact, that I have "too much time".

It is funny how some comments fuel you inner turmoil. It doesn't matters who they come from. Once a very dear family member said (when I did something) "Oh maybe you are not as stupid as you seam!" And all I could do is smile and say thank you, but I know I cannot rid the stench of that comment.

And when there is time like today... when everything comes bubbling on the surface. You feel guilty for things you never even participated in. You take care of things that were rudely dumped on you and then you take all the insults in stride and smile. Good God and that smile. When you soul weeps but you smile, because if you don't and loose your concentration everything comes crushing down in public... But when you are alone, walls do come down. They just close up on you and you cannot breath.

Today everything sticks. I feel weighted down and trapped. I cannot move. But I smile! Oh I smile like my life is depended on it, and in some way it is. How I wish I was strong as some and I would be able to take everything in stride and learn to take that everything that comes my way is the best thing that could ever happen. Someday I hope I will. But today even the notion that the air that I breath is not a wast, is a huge accomplishment. So I try and I breath... Maybe this too shall pass...

     

Go with God my dear dancer

I just found out a friend of mine died. She died way too early… or at least that is what I hear a voice in my head say. I hear it and I know I have no idea what right time to die is. I just know that it hurts and a wave of sadness and abandomness washes over me again and again. I cannot imagine how her loved ones feel…

We danced together and shared time and talked. We weren't super close, but she was special. I knew she was struggling but I didn't want to bother her with my concerns. And now she is gone. I feel like I have to hold her so tight, but I know I can’t, she already slipped away. She is needed elsewhere.
Go with God my dear and spread your beautiful wings…thank you for your time

Today is the day for change!

Yesterday evening I was told that I always think that everybody and everyone is against me. I was completely shocked! This statement came form someone that is really dear to me and it triggered a complete blockade and an instant response "I am not like that!" I don't see myself as someone who always sees the bad side of things. On the contrary. I realise I am incredibly lucky! Instead of leaving the autopilot on and saying over and over again that I am not like that, I let emotions run through me. All the rejection, outrage, blame etc. I let everything run through me. I allowed myself to feel them, but I've also let them go. I did not blame the statement or the parson who said that. This was the kind of statement that, in the past, could trigger a fire in a moment, and the fire burned for a long time. But this time it sparked a change, but no fire.

The event was an eye opener. Among other things, it made me to look into the past. How many times have labels from outside defined us? That we are not worthy of love, that no one can live with us, we are unable to communicate, that we are resentful etc...

No matter what others speak about you, what matters is what you think about yourself! We can take them in consideration but all in all what really matters is what is in us. If people do not agree with the opinion we have of ourselves it is up to us to respond to that. Will we listen to our inner Goddess or will we listen to others? 

That defines the path you will take! Will we choose a path of growth and a path of being the best version of ourselves? 

In any case, it is important to listen to the surroundings, but only you honestly know who you are. It is imperative that we are honest with ourselves. You have to acknowledge you best as well as our weakest side. When we acknowledge and accept them only then we can grow.

Every day is an opportunity to grow. Every day there are new possibilities how to get one step closer to the goal. We are not meant to live our life in hiding, as a refugee of our own perception. We are here to live our lives as a Goddess's of our inner beauty that shine through and through!

Your responsibility is to create a better future for yourself! We both know it. And I know you can and WILL make it! Have a fantastic time growing!