I finally got it

Believing in people is an essential part of me. Knowing good will prevail, that people are not intentionally mean. But that makes no difference when you are left behind. When people you love disappear. When you realise you invested so much time and energy in a relationship that is easily forgotten by the other party. When you realise that no matter how much you love you always stand alone. 

When you are younger you find solace in knowing your family has your back. When you grow up you realise you were living in an illusion. You thought you can trust the people who brought you into this world, but life is full of revelations. Including the realisation, you don't really matter. You are sometimes useful as a means of escape, and maybe sometimes as someone who can provide some sort of service for free, after all, you are family. But when you are honest, you don't really matter. Accepting that lesson is harder then it should be. I have known from an early age that I am not someone people seek out. But I was living under preteens that partners and family would care. Such a silly notion. 

It is kind of hard to ignore the dull ache in your chest. When you know you should be over the moon about the dreams coming true. And you are, but at the same time, the loneliness and loss are evident too. 

When you realise you are just a moron who hoped people could see the good in me. I should have known better. I was told from an early age, I should be ashamed and that I would never be much. One has to be awfully thick to not see the clues. I guess I finally got what they were telling me all this years...

The disappearing act

I've been a pen pal for over two decades... on and off. But I was really active the last couple of months. I love the process, I love getting to know people and forging new friendships that wouldn't have happened otherwise. I am a long term kind of pen pal. In the last few weeks two things have happened in my pen pal world. I was shot down quite harshly by two people that I really liked writing to. They both work in the same field on almost identical positions, but I think that is just a coincidence. 

I make it a point to never lie and I try to be as clear as possible. I am not misleading and I don't have a pen pal/Internet persona. I am who I am and I operate under assumption that others are like that as well. 

The things that have happened? I was shot down by two people for being me and being honest. Not mean or hurtful or anything like that. Not purposely at least or to my knowledge. Well I feel like I've lost two friends. And it sucks. I love people. I know I am not the best person in the world, but I have hoped to be a decent person that would be worth more then a harsh brush off. Well as it turned out all the hours spent writing and reading etc. are more or less worthless to the people I invested that time in. The relationship easily discharged. And that hurts big time. 

But when I think about the situation further, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It has been happening to me for ages. I guess I am just too thick to learn my lesson and stop believing in people, expect the worst and all that jazz. I still believe in family even though they throw me under the bus whenever it suits them. I believe in people and I believe in my friends. I still love and I still dream. I still think good will prevail. I know I am naive and I have to learn my lesson and that most of the time the majority of things that are happening have nothing to do with me. 

My plan of action? Be the best wife/daughter/aunt/friend/penpal/coworker/whatever I can ever be. There will always be better/smarter/more astounding/whatever you want then me. But I will try my best to be better. I don't function under any pretence that I deserve anything. I am not entitled to anything, but I would love to be granted a common curtsy. But as it turns out, that is way more then I (at least according to some) deserve. Maybe some day I will understand and I will learn the lesson...

To my collected family

We are used to whining. Sometimes we just need to let of a bit of steam to breath again and sometimes we are just too self absorbed to notice how unjust we are. And sometimes we find people who are just a blessing. I am not saying anything about perfection, mind you, but I am talking about how some people are just spectacular. I won't go into details, but sometimes this spectacular people cross our paths; it is one in a million chance that you meet them and most of the time the odds aren't in your favour. But sometimes we just beat the odds. And when that happens you have to see. You have to take a leap of faith and jump. I jumped this summer and met a spectacular person that brings so much light into my life, most of the time just by being.
I think that in this life we have two families. One we are born into (we have no influence on what family we are born into) and the other we collect. We choose our partners and we collect our friends. When you are really blessed and can be bothered to take your head out of your ass, you form a strong family filled with spectacular humans from all walks of life.
My collected family is vibrant, full of people from all over. They are my chicks! Ok some guys are huge, but I still worry and mama hen is never pleased when my chicks aren't happy and fed, so my chicks. The point is, we have to work hard to form our family. It doesn't just happen. We have to be open and vulnerable and we have to take leaps of faith. Plus we have to stuck together. We have to be there even when we "don't have time". We take care of each other. And we don't forget. This bonds are strong and they last a lifetime. We don't stop talking because someone forgot a birthday or someone has a bad day or a piece of land was divided. We stick together and we tell each other the truth. Even when we suck or when we are wrong; but we know it comes from the place of love; not from the place where control is everything.
I am blessed. I have both families. One that I didn't choose (and for them I am definitely not the first pick), but I accepted it. The other family I collected. And I collect with care and I am one blessed person. When you have THAT family you know you did good. I did something really right.
Darlings you are my saviours, my shoulders to cry on and the ones that make everything worth while. You are the ones that jell at and with me and whisper encouragements. You know when to slap the stupid out of me and when to smother me with hugs and kisses, even when I scream to let go. You know and you are deeply appreciated.

I love you all!

p.s. Today it was pointed out to me that my posts are depressing. This is part of my redemption. :)

Go with God my dear dancer

I just found out a friend of mine died. She died way too early… or at least that is what I hear a voice in my head say. I hear it and I know I have no idea what right time to die is. I just know that it hurts and a wave of sadness and abandomness washes over me again and again. I cannot imagine how her loved ones feel…

We danced together and shared time and talked. We weren't super close, but she was special. I knew she was struggling but I didn't want to bother her with my concerns. And now she is gone. I feel like I have to hold her so tight, but I know I can’t, she already slipped away. She is needed elsewhere.
Go with God my dear and spread your beautiful wings…thank you for your time

Today is the day for change!

Yesterday evening I was told that I always think that everybody and everyone is against me. I was completely shocked! This statement came form someone that is really dear to me and it triggered a complete blockade and an instant response "I am not like that!" I don't see myself as someone who always sees the bad side of things. On the contrary. I realise I am incredibly lucky! Instead of leaving the autopilot on and saying over and over again that I am not like that, I let emotions run through me. All the rejection, outrage, blame etc. I let everything run through me. I allowed myself to feel them, but I've also let them go. I did not blame the statement or the parson who said that. This was the kind of statement that, in the past, could trigger a fire in a moment, and the fire burned for a long time. But this time it sparked a change, but no fire.

The event was an eye opener. Among other things, it made me to look into the past. How many times have labels from outside defined us? That we are not worthy of love, that no one can live with us, we are unable to communicate, that we are resentful etc...

No matter what others speak about you, what matters is what you think about yourself! We can take them in consideration but all in all what really matters is what is in us. If people do not agree with the opinion we have of ourselves it is up to us to respond to that. Will we listen to our inner Goddess or will we listen to others? 

That defines the path you will take! Will we choose a path of growth and a path of being the best version of ourselves? 

In any case, it is important to listen to the surroundings, but only you honestly know who you are. It is imperative that we are honest with ourselves. You have to acknowledge you best as well as our weakest side. When we acknowledge and accept them only then we can grow.

Every day is an opportunity to grow. Every day there are new possibilities how to get one step closer to the goal. We are not meant to live our life in hiding, as a refugee of our own perception. We are here to live our lives as a Goddess's of our inner beauty that shine through and through!

Your responsibility is to create a better future for yourself! We both know it. And I know you can and WILL make it! Have a fantastic time growing!

Acceptance as a start of a better future?

Yesterday I read a post of a vegan, talking about people who eat meat, as the non-humans. It shocked me just how caught up in our own lives we are. In a way that is logical because, whose life are we going to life if not our own. But often we become so infatuated with it, that we can not see beyond our life. This quickly leads to a situation where we reject anything that is not excatly as we think it should be. It sounds tremendously over the top and excessive, but recently we have witnessed just that.

In recent years, there was a another phenomena. On one hand we do anything we can to be different, but at the same time we would do anything to belong. We want to belong and be part of something, anything, sometimes no price is too high. 

Recently, I noticed another phenomenon. How many people are trying to be "outside" compartments and groups, but just this incredible tendency to be "impossible to label", landed them in another "compartment". There is an on going fight against labeling and some are furiously trying to break stereotypes. All this fighting is rasing an interesting question. Not whether the stereotypes are where they should be or are they at least properly set, but for why are we so bothere by them? Why do we even care? Why not direct the energy we are waisting to fight labeling and stereotyps to shift and use it on ourselvs. Why not use it within? 

Incredible amounts of energy would be directed to where they should be in the first place. Once you understand yourself, who you are and what you are, then you don't care what others thing of you anyhow. All the labeling becomes just a game and is incredibly funny. 

Free yourself from it and so you can begin to perceive yourself as you are. ANd as a benefit you start to see others just the way they are! You stop condemning your fears and with that, you stop judging others and their choices in life. You are able to look at others and see them as they really are. 

What would happen if you would let yourself see yourself and others with all? With good, bad and the ugly? Are you able to see everyone as souls who were destined to be here and now? All God's children regardless of the shape and sharp words? 

When we are able to do that, we have no need to fear for the future!