2017

Every year I am looking forward to winter. A time when everything calms down and some sort of evaluation can be made. But this year I am not privileged to that. No time to step back and observe. No time to cool down and evaluate from a healthy perspective. This year has been handing out blow after blow.
When I was growing up I had this romantic notion that when I will be in a certain period of my life things will be clearer, I will be stronger and more attentive. Empty will be my go to state; that I will be enough just because I am. But this year knocked all the remaining naivety out of me. When you have been born with the preposition you are trash then there is no way you can ever be anything more then that...
In more cynical moments I laugh at my constant will to try harder. I have no idea why I don't just give up and let go. But I have been trained too well. I have to shoulder lions part of the blame, no matter if it was of my making or not. I am here to carry it. And if there comes a time of weakness and I stand up for myself or my loved one... Ohhh the horror! How can I be so ungrateful! You selfish, selfish soul. It is so unfair of me to forget (even for a minute) where my place is. The family embarrassment..
Yup. It is a blessing to not have time for any kind of reflection... that way I might get a silly notion to talk back and maybe grow a spine... and we can't have that, can we?
I hate 2017.

The disappearing act

I've been a pen pal for over two decades... on and off. But I was really active the last couple of months. I love the process, I love getting to know people and forging new friendships that wouldn't have happened otherwise. I am a long term kind of pen pal. In the last few weeks two things have happened in my pen pal world. I was shot down quite harshly by two people that I really liked writing to. They both work in the same field on almost identical positions, but I think that is just a coincidence. 

I make it a point to never lie and I try to be as clear as possible. I am not misleading and I don't have a pen pal/Internet persona. I am who I am and I operate under assumption that others are like that as well. 

The things that have happened? I was shot down by two people for being me and being honest. Not mean or hurtful or anything like that. Not purposely at least or to my knowledge. Well I feel like I've lost two friends. And it sucks. I love people. I know I am not the best person in the world, but I have hoped to be a decent person that would be worth more then a harsh brush off. Well as it turned out all the hours spent writing and reading etc. are more or less worthless to the people I invested that time in. The relationship easily discharged. And that hurts big time. 

But when I think about the situation further, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It has been happening to me for ages. I guess I am just too thick to learn my lesson and stop believing in people, expect the worst and all that jazz. I still believe in family even though they throw me under the bus whenever it suits them. I believe in people and I believe in my friends. I still love and I still dream. I still think good will prevail. I know I am naive and I have to learn my lesson and that most of the time the majority of things that are happening have nothing to do with me. 

My plan of action? Be the best wife/daughter/aunt/friend/penpal/coworker/whatever I can ever be. There will always be better/smarter/more astounding/whatever you want then me. But I will try my best to be better. I don't function under any pretence that I deserve anything. I am not entitled to anything, but I would love to be granted a common curtsy. But as it turns out, that is way more then I (at least according to some) deserve. Maybe some day I will understand and I will learn the lesson...

The things that have never been

Can you mourn things you never had? The never stolen kisses, dances never danced, adorations never acknowledged, touches never touched, meadow flowers never picked just for you? Can you miss things you never had? Babies you never gave birth to, family never acknowledging, partner never really loving? Can all this things create a hole in your soul with simply an absence of its existence? How do you mourn the things you never experienced, if it was never meant to be? If you are not deserving? What if your purpose of life is a reminder to other what will happen to them if they don't do their best? How do you handle that? How can you love, smile, dream or work knowing you are the worst case scenario personified?

There have been three other things on my mind lately... 

When you don't expect support (as an defence mechanism) the enabler for others to not giving the support you really need? 

When you are the understanding one, after all each plays the leading role in their life... when is my time? When will it be my time to be understood?

When did trying to do good became keeping busy and miserable? When did knowing/uderstanding became pain?

A lot of questions and not a lot of sense or answers. Just a lot of condemnation and pain. In fairy tales even the ogres get a chance. Unbelievably silly to seek some meaning in tales. I guess things just aren't meant to be.