2017

Every year I am looking forward to winter. A time when everything calms down and some sort of evaluation can be made. But this year I am not privileged to that. No time to step back and observe. No time to cool down and evaluate from a healthy perspective. This year has been handing out blow after blow.
When I was growing up I had this romantic notion that when I will be in a certain period of my life things will be clearer, I will be stronger and more attentive. Empty will be my go to state; that I will be enough just because I am. But this year knocked all the remaining naivety out of me. When you have been born with the preposition you are trash then there is no way you can ever be anything more then that...
In more cynical moments I laugh at my constant will to try harder. I have no idea why I don't just give up and let go. But I have been trained too well. I have to shoulder lions part of the blame, no matter if it was of my making or not. I am here to carry it. And if there comes a time of weakness and I stand up for myself or my loved one... Ohhh the horror! How can I be so ungrateful! You selfish, selfish soul. It is so unfair of me to forget (even for a minute) where my place is. The family embarrassment..
Yup. It is a blessing to not have time for any kind of reflection... that way I might get a silly notion to talk back and maybe grow a spine... and we can't have that, can we?
I hate 2017.