I finally got it

Believing in people is an essential part of me. Knowing good will prevail, that people are not intentionally mean. But that makes no difference when you are left behind. When people you love disappear. When you realise you invested so much time and energy in a relationship that is easily forgotten by the other party. When you realise that no matter how much you love you always stand alone. 

When you are younger you find solace in knowing your family has your back. When you grow up you realise you were living in an illusion. You thought you can trust the people who brought you into this world, but life is full of revelations. Including the realisation, you don't really matter. You are sometimes useful as a means of escape, and maybe sometimes as someone who can provide some sort of service for free, after all, you are family. But when you are honest, you don't really matter. Accepting that lesson is harder then it should be. I have known from an early age that I am not someone people seek out. But I was living under preteens that partners and family would care. Such a silly notion. 

It is kind of hard to ignore the dull ache in your chest. When you know you should be over the moon about the dreams coming true. And you are, but at the same time, the loneliness and loss are evident too. 

When you realise you are just a moron who hoped people could see the good in me. I should have known better. I was told from an early age, I should be ashamed and that I would never be much. One has to be awfully thick to not see the clues. I guess I finally got what they were telling me all this years...

To my collected family

We are used to whining. Sometimes we just need to let of a bit of steam to breath again and sometimes we are just too self absorbed to notice how unjust we are. And sometimes we find people who are just a blessing. I am not saying anything about perfection, mind you, but I am talking about how some people are just spectacular. I won't go into details, but sometimes this spectacular people cross our paths; it is one in a million chance that you meet them and most of the time the odds aren't in your favour. But sometimes we just beat the odds. And when that happens you have to see. You have to take a leap of faith and jump. I jumped this summer and met a spectacular person that brings so much light into my life, most of the time just by being.
I think that in this life we have two families. One we are born into (we have no influence on what family we are born into) and the other we collect. We choose our partners and we collect our friends. When you are really blessed and can be bothered to take your head out of your ass, you form a strong family filled with spectacular humans from all walks of life.
My collected family is vibrant, full of people from all over. They are my chicks! Ok some guys are huge, but I still worry and mama hen is never pleased when my chicks aren't happy and fed, so my chicks. The point is, we have to work hard to form our family. It doesn't just happen. We have to be open and vulnerable and we have to take leaps of faith. Plus we have to stuck together. We have to be there even when we "don't have time". We take care of each other. And we don't forget. This bonds are strong and they last a lifetime. We don't stop talking because someone forgot a birthday or someone has a bad day or a piece of land was divided. We stick together and we tell each other the truth. Even when we suck or when we are wrong; but we know it comes from the place of love; not from the place where control is everything.
I am blessed. I have both families. One that I didn't choose (and for them I am definitely not the first pick), but I accepted it. The other family I collected. And I collect with care and I am one blessed person. When you have THAT family you know you did good. I did something really right.
Darlings you are my saviours, my shoulders to cry on and the ones that make everything worth while. You are the ones that jell at and with me and whisper encouragements. You know when to slap the stupid out of me and when to smother me with hugs and kisses, even when I scream to let go. You know and you are deeply appreciated.

I love you all!

p.s. Today it was pointed out to me that my posts are depressing. This is part of my redemption. :)

Shout out of the day

Maybe today is a funny day but it is fascinating how much negativity is curling around. I can almost taste it. How some are just sucking up and gloating. Things happen. People come and go but why would we want to dwell on other peoples misery, I will ever know.

maybe because so many things happened I am not ready to do that. if that means to be a grown up I am not and I don't want to be., I will not become cynical. I will try to bring people together and do good, not bad. Why would I dress myself in darkness if I can bring stability, compassion and life? 

I always look for inspiring things and funny enough I always find it. I am surrounded with spectacular people who do fantastic work. And I am blessed with life and everything that is around me and my shout out to the world today is... don't give in. Don't let yourself to be sucked in. Don't give in to bullying or insults or humiliation. It is OK if those things touch you, but they do not define you. Only you know who you are and only you can make yourself care for yourself. You never live for anyone else, but yourself.

You are a gift of God, act accordingly. ;)        

One of those days

The day after... when something that occupied your life ended and you start again. When you have hard time breathing. When you feel life slipping through your fingers. When you know that nothing is enough and the waste of life is a real thing and you are living it.

Maybe that is the indication that I was working too much on others and not enough on myself. And at that realisation I feel guilty, the curtsey of my family. They explain my most feared things as nothing but my imagination. I don't have kids because I don't want them enough. The concentration and effort I put in my mental stability is just result of the fact, that I have "too much time".

It is funny how some comments fuel you inner turmoil. It doesn't matters who they come from. Once a very dear family member said (when I did something) "Oh maybe you are not as stupid as you seam!" And all I could do is smile and say thank you, but I know I cannot rid the stench of that comment.

And when there is time like today... when everything comes bubbling on the surface. You feel guilty for things you never even participated in. You take care of things that were rudely dumped on you and then you take all the insults in stride and smile. Good God and that smile. When you soul weeps but you smile, because if you don't and loose your concentration everything comes crushing down in public... But when you are alone, walls do come down. They just close up on you and you cannot breath.

Today everything sticks. I feel weighted down and trapped. I cannot move. But I smile! Oh I smile like my life is depended on it, and in some way it is. How I wish I was strong as some and I would be able to take everything in stride and learn to take that everything that comes my way is the best thing that could ever happen. Someday I hope I will. But today even the notion that the air that I breath is not a wast, is a huge accomplishment. So I try and I breath... Maybe this too shall pass...

     

Today the negativity will pass me by...

Today is obviously one of those days ... When in the morning you would do anything for another second under the covers; when there are delays where you hate them the most, when most people at work are frustrated and when somehow everything goes down the drain. When you feel restless and you want to be anywhere but here. This is not that restlessness that gives you energy to do a million things at once but that sticky, dark, fussy kind that burdens you and you cannot seams to get away from it all... But this time I saw it coming. I wont let it swallow me. I am ready! And only by sensing it, the sticky creature goes away. It surprises me, how little it takes to sense it and only by that, you almost solve it or at least find a solution.

All the restlessness, which is attacking me from everywhere... Today it will go empty handed. The restlessness that turns into negativity, will not get me into their clutches! Today is the day for positivity and no one will change that!

Today negativity wont spread around. We know when the ears and heart open and when they are closed. Today I am enjoying a bath of positivity, which the Universe is enabling me.

OK that sounds too esoteric to be readable, but fundamentally it means that I'll let people jump at each others throats, let them fight and spent one another, screaming at one another and are "cynical and sarcastic." Enjoy, but you will not pull me into all that. Today I look from "sidewalk" and I'm happy because I am aware of what is going on! I am happy, despite or because of everything. I am blessed because I can feel and flow with the positive vibes.

"Keep up and you will be kept up." ~Yogi Bhajan

The influence of grandmothers...

I was thinking about my grandparents. How much content they bring us, and how much we can learn from them. Just by being with them we learn the circle of life. Its cruelty and also the beauty and healthiness of life.

In my case the influence of grandmothers was almost epic. I am not overreacting. If I ever needed an inspiration or an idol I could always find it in my Grandmas. They were the most positive people I knew.. and that even before the positive "mode" was popular.

There was always laughing in the house of my mum's mum. When we were there on vacations ( that usually meant at least a month during the summer break), we were FREE! We got into all kinds of messes. We were playing hide and seek, we were racing bikes, we were the adventurers and were uncovering the mysteries of the chaotic attic, we were beating each other, stealing neighbours cherries (and also falling of of them...). But there was a rule: When the church bells would announce "Ave Marie" we had to come back from wherever we were. If the scars and beat up knees weren't too bad we could go out and play soccer, or play in the dark. Grandma's rule! She was never on our case and she makes the best mush ever! :)

But you have to grow up to truly understand her virtues and grandness of her influence. The women who has, even back then (in the 1940's), married under her own conditions. She decided when and with who. She stood up to her parents and left a huge farm that would provide richly for her and her family. She married a man she loved. She is a mother of 5, with a small farm. She grieved hard for a husband she loved and lost so young. But she got over it. A grandmother that always has a calming word and an open ear for her grandchildren. A grandma that is always glad to see you and takes nothing for granted. She knows what is important and has never lost the ability too see clearly and call it as it is. A role model...

I had a privilege to also know my fathers mother. A woman who firmly believed in family and hard work. She took care of family and build a family home alone after everything was destroyed in 2nd WW. Even when she was used and abandoned by her beloved ones she stayed strong. She believed that children are our future and that you have to work to survive. She also believed that the peace of mind shouldn't be gambled away with an easy money. She believed in God, tolerance and justice, but she was never naiive. A mother that held the family together with a soft hand. She never let the overbearing and raptorial men in her life, to poison her with greed and malice. A women that poved that you can keep pride and respect till the end. A role model...

I learned so much from them.. and I am still learning. Respect, trust, understanding. I never understood the stupidity of intergenerational hate. I was also always shocked by the violence toward grandparents. Taking care of our family members is a task we get at our birth! As they took care of us, we take care of them when they need us. 

Oh yes Grandmothers rock!