Life happens

Every time... There is always a day when everything comes crashing down. I was flying high for quite some time. I was healthy, happy, stable, but then yesterday I felt it. I felt it deep in my bones and I knew. It was pulsing through my core. So today, after another restless night, there was time for reality and sobering thoughts. 

It doesn't matter, it never mattered. It doesn't matter how strong I am for others or how much I love and support. It doesn't matter how much energy I put in better today and tomorrow. But I know, I always knew. I am not enough. I am never enough. It doesn't matter how understanding and accepting I am, nor how many times I "turn the other cheek". Sometimes non of the excuses work. All I know is that I am left behind, alone and with bitter taste in my mouth.

I despise me above all. How is it possible that I still trust so much? How come I still believe? How is it possible that my balance is so fragile? My excuse for being here is that I try to help, I try to be there for others, but I know it is not enough. After all "life happens", right? I know that and they know that. So I take all the contempt, neglect and ridicule; at least I am getting something...

But I count my blessings. Oh how I count them... at least I am here...

I was told that the only thing I have to do is ask for help, but I am always baffled  by it. How come no one ever notices? I mean I am really not that good of an actress! They are so good with words and promises, as long as they don't have to back them up with actual actions. But that's life... right? 

To be noticed you have to matter. So why would they? I'm always there to lend a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or root for them. And to be honest, to be noticed you have to be worthy. And here the flickering of  a realisation starts to take shape... 

Do you feel it?

I mean really??!! Do you? The first blow of spring wind that doesn't freeze your tush off and when you hear birds singing so loud that your ears almost hurt? When we become giddy with anticipation.

Oh yeas I am guessing that the deepest dark comes right before dawn! And even this year I wasn't disappointed! Now it is time to thrive. I know I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I haven't been this optimistic in ages! I know that there will be time for that secret road trip no one except me and co conspirator M. will know about. There will be time to grow whatever I want to grow. We will do a lot of good in the woods and babies will be born and jobs will be done, relationships will be concluded and new one will begin. Oh yeas. There is much to do this season.

Life is grand! No matter of the colour scheme. We have so much to accomplished and so much to feel. Even if its not all good but we experience it anyway and we learn. There are all kinds of people around us. A rich pallet of them. Some spoiled and need to be thrown out of our lives and some precious that still need tender care and those who are there to stay and make our lives oh so rich!

Thank you all my beautiful people! For sticking around, lending a hand and using my shoulder whenever needed. It makes all the difference. I am so proud to be one of you.

Oh yes! The spring is definitely here!

Today the negativity will pass me by...

Today is obviously one of those days ... When in the morning you would do anything for another second under the covers; when there are delays where you hate them the most, when most people at work are frustrated and when somehow everything goes down the drain. When you feel restless and you want to be anywhere but here. This is not that restlessness that gives you energy to do a million things at once but that sticky, dark, fussy kind that burdens you and you cannot seams to get away from it all... But this time I saw it coming. I wont let it swallow me. I am ready! And only by sensing it, the sticky creature goes away. It surprises me, how little it takes to sense it and only by that, you almost solve it or at least find a solution.

All the restlessness, which is attacking me from everywhere... Today it will go empty handed. The restlessness that turns into negativity, will not get me into their clutches! Today is the day for positivity and no one will change that!

Today negativity wont spread around. We know when the ears and heart open and when they are closed. Today I am enjoying a bath of positivity, which the Universe is enabling me.

OK that sounds too esoteric to be readable, but fundamentally it means that I'll let people jump at each others throats, let them fight and spent one another, screaming at one another and are "cynical and sarcastic." Enjoy, but you will not pull me into all that. Today I look from "sidewalk" and I'm happy because I am aware of what is going on! I am happy, despite or because of everything. I am blessed because I can feel and flow with the positive vibes.

"Keep up and you will be kept up." ~Yogi Bhajan