Life happens

Every time... There is always a day when everything comes crashing down. I was flying high for quite some time. I was healthy, happy, stable, but then yesterday I felt it. I felt it deep in my bones and I knew. It was pulsing through my core. So today, after another restless night, there was time for reality and sobering thoughts. 

It doesn't matter, it never mattered. It doesn't matter how strong I am for others or how much I love and support. It doesn't matter how much energy I put in better today and tomorrow. But I know, I always knew. I am not enough. I am never enough. It doesn't matter how understanding and accepting I am, nor how many times I "turn the other cheek". Sometimes non of the excuses work. All I know is that I am left behind, alone and with bitter taste in my mouth.

I despise me above all. How is it possible that I still trust so much? How come I still believe? How is it possible that my balance is so fragile? My excuse for being here is that I try to help, I try to be there for others, but I know it is not enough. After all "life happens", right? I know that and they know that. So I take all the contempt, neglect and ridicule; at least I am getting something...

But I count my blessings. Oh how I count them... at least I am here...

I was told that the only thing I have to do is ask for help, but I am always baffled  by it. How come no one ever notices? I mean I am really not that good of an actress! They are so good with words and promises, as long as they don't have to back them up with actual actions. But that's life... right? 

To be noticed you have to matter. So why would they? I'm always there to lend a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or root for them. And to be honest, to be noticed you have to be worthy. And here the flickering of  a realisation starts to take shape... 

My lives worth according to my own blood

Sometimes it happens. When I am put in my spot. I have forgotten. These words were part of my nightmares as long as I remember, and when daylight came I was telling myself everything is just a product of my imagination. But it is not. 

On Saturday they became reality; the mean and spiteful words got mouth and got a voice. But not at death of a night but in pristine nature, illuminated by the sun ... and it became clear that the only possible path is a path that leads away. It was enough. Enough of hurt and I will not allow it to go on. Yes I came from their blood and they have their own truth , as do I. I will no longer struggle and justify my existence to them. Enough is enough. This does not mean that it will not fell remorse . But at least I won't live in a cages and bow my heads willingly, just to please. No more searching for shelter and humility. It was enough. Now it's high time for me and my loved ones. I will no longer adapt so that I belonged. The choice is mine, and they're welcome in my world , but not on their terms.

Cruel words that have cut through unhealed scars to the heart, also cut the ties that held me there. It's nice to be able to breath. Interesting that I never knew that I was breathing with only half of the capacity. That constant breathlessness... I was bending backwards to at least fit in, if I couldn't be accepted. 

I got a recognition all right. They told me what I am, according to them. Lazy, ungrateful,  incompetent and parasitic. Right. I'm sorry they had to see and experience it, as I am their offspring. Thank God they didn't only bet on one horse. Their first runner is running the way it should. I'm happy for them. So life is not a complete waste. 

I am grateful for the realizations, no matter what brought them or how they were delivered. I am grateful to breath again.