Alone... again

I think I wrote a lot about how people leave. I am suppose to get used to that. Maybe I have, but it is never easy. Sometimes people, who know or you think they know, how important they are to you stop giving a f*** about you. And life becomes even harder.
I try and be understanding. I mean, I know I am not something important or worth while, but it is always spectacular when someone wants to spend time with you. And you invest. Time, energy, love... and then they decide you are not worth their time anymore. It doesn't come as a surprise, but that still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
And then you stand alone. Once again. Just hoping they will see you are worth their time. That you are worth to be in their life; that they might care.
Yeah like that ever happened...

I finally got it

Believing in people is an essential part of me. Knowing good will prevail, that people are not intentionally mean. But that makes no difference when you are left behind. When people you love disappear. When you realise you invested so much time and energy in a relationship that is easily forgotten by the other party. When you realise that no matter how much you love you always stand alone. 

When you are younger you find solace in knowing your family has your back. When you grow up you realise you were living in an illusion. You thought you can trust the people who brought you into this world, but life is full of revelations. Including the realisation, you don't really matter. You are sometimes useful as a means of escape, and maybe sometimes as someone who can provide some sort of service for free, after all, you are family. But when you are honest, you don't really matter. Accepting that lesson is harder then it should be. I have known from an early age that I am not someone people seek out. But I was living under preteens that partners and family would care. Such a silly notion. 

It is kind of hard to ignore the dull ache in your chest. When you know you should be over the moon about the dreams coming true. And you are, but at the same time, the loneliness and loss are evident too. 

When you realise you are just a moron who hoped people could see the good in me. I should have known better. I was told from an early age, I should be ashamed and that I would never be much. One has to be awfully thick to not see the clues. I guess I finally got what they were telling me all this years...

2017

Every year I am looking forward to winter. A time when everything calms down and some sort of evaluation can be made. But this year I am not privileged to that. No time to step back and observe. No time to cool down and evaluate from a healthy perspective. This year has been handing out blow after blow.
When I was growing up I had this romantic notion that when I will be in a certain period of my life things will be clearer, I will be stronger and more attentive. Empty will be my go to state; that I will be enough just because I am. But this year knocked all the remaining naivety out of me. When you have been born with the preposition you are trash then there is no way you can ever be anything more then that...
In more cynical moments I laugh at my constant will to try harder. I have no idea why I don't just give up and let go. But I have been trained too well. I have to shoulder lions part of the blame, no matter if it was of my making or not. I am here to carry it. And if there comes a time of weakness and I stand up for myself or my loved one... Ohhh the horror! How can I be so ungrateful! You selfish, selfish soul. It is so unfair of me to forget (even for a minute) where my place is. The family embarrassment..
Yup. It is a blessing to not have time for any kind of reflection... that way I might get a silly notion to talk back and maybe grow a spine... and we can't have that, can we?
I hate 2017.

The disappearing act

I've been a pen pal for over two decades... on and off. But I was really active the last couple of months. I love the process, I love getting to know people and forging new friendships that wouldn't have happened otherwise. I am a long term kind of pen pal. In the last few weeks two things have happened in my pen pal world. I was shot down quite harshly by two people that I really liked writing to. They both work in the same field on almost identical positions, but I think that is just a coincidence. 

I make it a point to never lie and I try to be as clear as possible. I am not misleading and I don't have a pen pal/Internet persona. I am who I am and I operate under assumption that others are like that as well. 

The things that have happened? I was shot down by two people for being me and being honest. Not mean or hurtful or anything like that. Not purposely at least or to my knowledge. Well I feel like I've lost two friends. And it sucks. I love people. I know I am not the best person in the world, but I have hoped to be a decent person that would be worth more then a harsh brush off. Well as it turned out all the hours spent writing and reading etc. are more or less worthless to the people I invested that time in. The relationship easily discharged. And that hurts big time. 

But when I think about the situation further, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It has been happening to me for ages. I guess I am just too thick to learn my lesson and stop believing in people, expect the worst and all that jazz. I still believe in family even though they throw me under the bus whenever it suits them. I believe in people and I believe in my friends. I still love and I still dream. I still think good will prevail. I know I am naive and I have to learn my lesson and that most of the time the majority of things that are happening have nothing to do with me. 

My plan of action? Be the best wife/daughter/aunt/friend/penpal/coworker/whatever I can ever be. There will always be better/smarter/more astounding/whatever you want then me. But I will try my best to be better. I don't function under any pretence that I deserve anything. I am not entitled to anything, but I would love to be granted a common curtsy. But as it turns out, that is way more then I (at least according to some) deserve. Maybe some day I will understand and I will learn the lesson...

To my collected family

We are used to whining. Sometimes we just need to let of a bit of steam to breath again and sometimes we are just too self absorbed to notice how unjust we are. And sometimes we find people who are just a blessing. I am not saying anything about perfection, mind you, but I am talking about how some people are just spectacular. I won't go into details, but sometimes this spectacular people cross our paths; it is one in a million chance that you meet them and most of the time the odds aren't in your favour. But sometimes we just beat the odds. And when that happens you have to see. You have to take a leap of faith and jump. I jumped this summer and met a spectacular person that brings so much light into my life, most of the time just by being.
I think that in this life we have two families. One we are born into (we have no influence on what family we are born into) and the other we collect. We choose our partners and we collect our friends. When you are really blessed and can be bothered to take your head out of your ass, you form a strong family filled with spectacular humans from all walks of life.
My collected family is vibrant, full of people from all over. They are my chicks! Ok some guys are huge, but I still worry and mama hen is never pleased when my chicks aren't happy and fed, so my chicks. The point is, we have to work hard to form our family. It doesn't just happen. We have to be open and vulnerable and we have to take leaps of faith. Plus we have to stuck together. We have to be there even when we "don't have time". We take care of each other. And we don't forget. This bonds are strong and they last a lifetime. We don't stop talking because someone forgot a birthday or someone has a bad day or a piece of land was divided. We stick together and we tell each other the truth. Even when we suck or when we are wrong; but we know it comes from the place of love; not from the place where control is everything.
I am blessed. I have both families. One that I didn't choose (and for them I am definitely not the first pick), but I accepted it. The other family I collected. And I collect with care and I am one blessed person. When you have THAT family you know you did good. I did something really right.
Darlings you are my saviours, my shoulders to cry on and the ones that make everything worth while. You are the ones that jell at and with me and whisper encouragements. You know when to slap the stupid out of me and when to smother me with hugs and kisses, even when I scream to let go. You know and you are deeply appreciated.

I love you all!

p.s. Today it was pointed out to me that my posts are depressing. This is part of my redemption. :)

The things that have never been

Can you mourn things you never had? The never stolen kisses, dances never danced, adorations never acknowledged, touches never touched, meadow flowers never picked just for you? Can you miss things you never had? Babies you never gave birth to, family never acknowledging, partner never really loving? Can all this things create a hole in your soul with simply an absence of its existence? How do you mourn the things you never experienced, if it was never meant to be? If you are not deserving? What if your purpose of life is a reminder to other what will happen to them if they don't do their best? How do you handle that? How can you love, smile, dream or work knowing you are the worst case scenario personified?

There have been three other things on my mind lately... 

When you don't expect support (as an defence mechanism) the enabler for others to not giving the support you really need? 

When you are the understanding one, after all each plays the leading role in their life... when is my time? When will it be my time to be understood?

When did trying to do good became keeping busy and miserable? When did knowing/uderstanding became pain?

A lot of questions and not a lot of sense or answers. Just a lot of condemnation and pain. In fairy tales even the ogres get a chance. Unbelievably silly to seek some meaning in tales. I guess things just aren't meant to be. 

Tired...

I am so tired of trying. Tired of faking it and never making it. I am so tired of living life for others and trying to holding things together. I am so tired of running. I am tired of being my own rock. I am tired of avoiding  my own reflection. I am tired of shallow breaths and hiding.

I am so tired of being attentive to others and constantly complimenting… hoping that someone will notice me, but they never do. 

But I guess everyone get what they deserve, right? So I mustn't complain. I have to be good and thank for the shit I am being served. At least I am alive and with my track record that is quite an achievement.

I do hope you are having a better… life?

Life happens

Every time... There is always a day when everything comes crashing down. I was flying high for quite some time. I was healthy, happy, stable, but then yesterday I felt it. I felt it deep in my bones and I knew. It was pulsing through my core. So today, after another restless night, there was time for reality and sobering thoughts. 

It doesn't matter, it never mattered. It doesn't matter how strong I am for others or how much I love and support. It doesn't matter how much energy I put in better today and tomorrow. But I know, I always knew. I am not enough. I am never enough. It doesn't matter how understanding and accepting I am, nor how many times I "turn the other cheek". Sometimes non of the excuses work. All I know is that I am left behind, alone and with bitter taste in my mouth.

I despise me above all. How is it possible that I still trust so much? How come I still believe? How is it possible that my balance is so fragile? My excuse for being here is that I try to help, I try to be there for others, but I know it is not enough. After all "life happens", right? I know that and they know that. So I take all the contempt, neglect and ridicule; at least I am getting something...

But I count my blessings. Oh how I count them... at least I am here...

I was told that the only thing I have to do is ask for help, but I am always baffled  by it. How come no one ever notices? I mean I am really not that good of an actress! They are so good with words and promises, as long as they don't have to back them up with actual actions. But that's life... right? 

To be noticed you have to matter. So why would they? I'm always there to lend a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or root for them. And to be honest, to be noticed you have to be worthy. And here the flickering of  a realisation starts to take shape... 

Hopes for the new year

I talked to a friend, not long ago, about what people want. What they really want. I try not to assume things. I am very aware of the fact that people assume, when they have no idea and that is how hurt and resentments are born. I don't need that. I try and as for an example. I don't understand so I ask for an example. And I pay attention. To everything, voice shades, gestures, everything. It is only fair. 

I cannot judge how people live and validate their life. Once a friend of mine commented, that I actually have an off-line life and happily I agree. I started noticing how much value is put on "likes" and "views". I know that people crave approval, even if from the virtual world. But I always get this weird bitter taste in my mouth when people talk so proudly of their on-line popularity and likes etc. I always wonder (quietly of course) if it really is worth it. 

I started noticing how important group photos became and how almost every witty thing ended up on Twitter of Facebook or somewhere similar. I banned tagging of photos and became the difficult one. I have no need for everyone to know that I am having a great girls night out. I don't need likes on my newest reading choice etc. But I do realise that is just me. The off-line girl... but then I came across this article and realised that the need of virtual approval penetrated deeper into our lives. It cut to the very core. It is breaking up families and making life unbearable... just because it is not picture perfect. Maybe I don't have problem with that because nothing I am or do is picture perfect. I mean it's life!

But then I dug deeper and I realised quite a few of my friends think the same way. Life shouldn't be seen only through different filters. Life should be explored, tasted and lived! Not just seen through someone else's eyes. No snap of a food-plate or retouched selfie will ever bring me the high a day well lived will. 

I hope new year will bring the realisation that the important thing in life is finding peace, love, joy and excitement in your every day life. Let the game of 2015 begin!   

Pushover

Here’s a funny thing. I am not really a pushover. But there is this woman at work. She perfected the ignorant victim act. And the guilt trip. Good God! She pisses me off. I usually don’t have problems with her and I stand my ground but today she just blind sided me with her demands. I was so shocked that someone would even thought  about demanding something like that and actually expecting that it “will be done”. 

I know it is too late now but I am wondering, how I should have reacted. What my actions should be. I am not going to change her, but I am changing myself. I will be compassionate but firm and I will not be bullied or blackmailed.

Lady you have gone too far. 

Reality is made for living

This has been bubbling in me quite some time. I guess today it has reached the tipping point. 

It is all good and well to want equality and diversity but most of those who speak the loudest don't want it in their back yard. Yes, on some fictional level, but not in reality. The same way we think that we are all equals. Well let me break it down for you boys and girls, we are not. Love all shapes and sizes. Yeah right! The idea is great but reality? Not so much.

The fact is that it is really nice if you do not hate yourself and people that you are surrounded with. Try to live life outside of cyber space and screens. Things that happen on TV and in movies would drive you crazy if they'd happened in real life. And a lot of great things that happen to us go by us unnoticed, because we are too busy imagining things.

And all of the fascination with people on screen is just that, fascination and escape from reality. Reality is, if you would happen to meet one of those who you adore, they wouldn't even notice you or care one way or the other. No they don't care that you are smart and funny and have something big to say. No matter what they claim. Fact is you are not even in the same universe. 

Now get back to your real life and make your dreams come true. Put your obsessions on the shelve and do you best. You have so much to give to the World. Forget the ones who are plastered everywhere. Don't aim to impress anyone. Aim to live your life and be happy. 

Shout out of the day

Maybe today is a funny day but it is fascinating how much negativity is curling around. I can almost taste it. How some are just sucking up and gloating. Things happen. People come and go but why would we want to dwell on other peoples misery, I will ever know.

maybe because so many things happened I am not ready to do that. if that means to be a grown up I am not and I don't want to be., I will not become cynical. I will try to bring people together and do good, not bad. Why would I dress myself in darkness if I can bring stability, compassion and life? 

I always look for inspiring things and funny enough I always find it. I am surrounded with spectacular people who do fantastic work. And I am blessed with life and everything that is around me and my shout out to the world today is... don't give in. Don't let yourself to be sucked in. Don't give in to bullying or insults or humiliation. It is OK if those things touch you, but they do not define you. Only you know who you are and only you can make yourself care for yourself. You never live for anyone else, but yourself.

You are a gift of God, act accordingly. ;)        

My lives worth according to my own blood

Sometimes it happens. When I am put in my spot. I have forgotten. These words were part of my nightmares as long as I remember, and when daylight came I was telling myself everything is just a product of my imagination. But it is not. 

On Saturday they became reality; the mean and spiteful words got mouth and got a voice. But not at death of a night but in pristine nature, illuminated by the sun ... and it became clear that the only possible path is a path that leads away. It was enough. Enough of hurt and I will not allow it to go on. Yes I came from their blood and they have their own truth , as do I. I will no longer struggle and justify my existence to them. Enough is enough. This does not mean that it will not fell remorse . But at least I won't live in a cages and bow my heads willingly, just to please. No more searching for shelter and humility. It was enough. Now it's high time for me and my loved ones. I will no longer adapt so that I belonged. The choice is mine, and they're welcome in my world , but not on their terms.

Cruel words that have cut through unhealed scars to the heart, also cut the ties that held me there. It's nice to be able to breath. Interesting that I never knew that I was breathing with only half of the capacity. That constant breathlessness... I was bending backwards to at least fit in, if I couldn't be accepted. 

I got a recognition all right. They told me what I am, according to them. Lazy, ungrateful,  incompetent and parasitic. Right. I'm sorry they had to see and experience it, as I am their offspring. Thank God they didn't only bet on one horse. Their first runner is running the way it should. I'm happy for them. So life is not a complete waste. 

I am grateful for the realizations, no matter what brought them or how they were delivered. I am grateful to breath again.

Be humbled by gratitude and change the world for the better

Lately, I've more or less blue. And once again I cam across  a young woman that inspires so many. Natali Patterson has a lot to say and supports many. She's nice to hear and read her inspiring words, but her words do not speak me to as is intended. In me they awaken the awareness that I have no right to be blue and anxious. So what if I cannot have children and I am overweight. Elsewhere, people are dying because of the violence, racial, gender, religious... Little girls are married before their time; wives mutilated just because their husbands please so. Machete is a common means of communication.
Women have no education, no means of survival, no support. They do not have the potential for change and no hope for better times. One reminder of harsh reality is a project by photographer Vlad Sokhin Crying Meri. He is showing the misery of women in Morobe province on Kassam Pass in Papua New Guinea. There 90 % of women are victims of gender violence. Life is by no means a walk in the park.
That is one of the reason why I despise my blue state of mind. I should be thriving and changing world for the better. I should be enthusiastic about life and the possibility that we have today and were given to us.
New realisations and gratitude are pouring in and it is humbling. I suppose Spring does bring change and awakening. I sincerely hope and pray that it will bring at least a glimmer of hope to those who need it the most.

Do you feel it?

I mean really??!! Do you? The first blow of spring wind that doesn't freeze your tush off and when you hear birds singing so loud that your ears almost hurt? When we become giddy with anticipation.

Oh yeas I am guessing that the deepest dark comes right before dawn! And even this year I wasn't disappointed! Now it is time to thrive. I know I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I haven't been this optimistic in ages! I know that there will be time for that secret road trip no one except me and co conspirator M. will know about. There will be time to grow whatever I want to grow. We will do a lot of good in the woods and babies will be born and jobs will be done, relationships will be concluded and new one will begin. Oh yeas. There is much to do this season.

Life is grand! No matter of the colour scheme. We have so much to accomplished and so much to feel. Even if its not all good but we experience it anyway and we learn. There are all kinds of people around us. A rich pallet of them. Some spoiled and need to be thrown out of our lives and some precious that still need tender care and those who are there to stay and make our lives oh so rich!

Thank you all my beautiful people! For sticking around, lending a hand and using my shoulder whenever needed. It makes all the difference. I am so proud to be one of you.

Oh yes! The spring is definitely here!

One of those days

The day after... when something that occupied your life ended and you start again. When you have hard time breathing. When you feel life slipping through your fingers. When you know that nothing is enough and the waste of life is a real thing and you are living it.

Maybe that is the indication that I was working too much on others and not enough on myself. And at that realisation I feel guilty, the curtsey of my family. They explain my most feared things as nothing but my imagination. I don't have kids because I don't want them enough. The concentration and effort I put in my mental stability is just result of the fact, that I have "too much time".

It is funny how some comments fuel you inner turmoil. It doesn't matters who they come from. Once a very dear family member said (when I did something) "Oh maybe you are not as stupid as you seam!" And all I could do is smile and say thank you, but I know I cannot rid the stench of that comment.

And when there is time like today... when everything comes bubbling on the surface. You feel guilty for things you never even participated in. You take care of things that were rudely dumped on you and then you take all the insults in stride and smile. Good God and that smile. When you soul weeps but you smile, because if you don't and loose your concentration everything comes crushing down in public... But when you are alone, walls do come down. They just close up on you and you cannot breath.

Today everything sticks. I feel weighted down and trapped. I cannot move. But I smile! Oh I smile like my life is depended on it, and in some way it is. How I wish I was strong as some and I would be able to take everything in stride and learn to take that everything that comes my way is the best thing that could ever happen. Someday I hope I will. But today even the notion that the air that I breath is not a wast, is a huge accomplishment. So I try and I breath... Maybe this too shall pass...

     

Go with God my dear dancer

I just found out a friend of mine died. She died way too early… or at least that is what I hear a voice in my head say. I hear it and I know I have no idea what right time to die is. I just know that it hurts and a wave of sadness and abandomness washes over me again and again. I cannot imagine how her loved ones feel…

We danced together and shared time and talked. We weren't super close, but she was special. I knew she was struggling but I didn't want to bother her with my concerns. And now she is gone. I feel like I have to hold her so tight, but I know I can’t, she already slipped away. She is needed elsewhere.
Go with God my dear and spread your beautiful wings…thank you for your time

Morning bike ride...

Today on my bike ride to work I remembered... the smell of just cut nettles brought memories of my grandma. Remembering the suffering, her no nonsense attitude towards life and love for her children. The idea that her children learned so little and grandchildren had the privilege of knowing her. Her understanding and courage. 

And when summer starts being cool again and when you remember that life is not just fun and games, but then again it is about time you stop taking yourself seriously... Just be passionate and honest and do things that are worth your time and stop worrying about the others. How good or bad they are has noting to do with how good or bad you are. 

Let yourself be better and make world a better place.

Oh! And I saw a field of sunflowers... haven't seen that in years... so yeah. happy morning!

Today the negativity will pass me by...

Today is obviously one of those days ... When in the morning you would do anything for another second under the covers; when there are delays where you hate them the most, when most people at work are frustrated and when somehow everything goes down the drain. When you feel restless and you want to be anywhere but here. This is not that restlessness that gives you energy to do a million things at once but that sticky, dark, fussy kind that burdens you and you cannot seams to get away from it all... But this time I saw it coming. I wont let it swallow me. I am ready! And only by sensing it, the sticky creature goes away. It surprises me, how little it takes to sense it and only by that, you almost solve it or at least find a solution.

All the restlessness, which is attacking me from everywhere... Today it will go empty handed. The restlessness that turns into negativity, will not get me into their clutches! Today is the day for positivity and no one will change that!

Today negativity wont spread around. We know when the ears and heart open and when they are closed. Today I am enjoying a bath of positivity, which the Universe is enabling me.

OK that sounds too esoteric to be readable, but fundamentally it means that I'll let people jump at each others throats, let them fight and spent one another, screaming at one another and are "cynical and sarcastic." Enjoy, but you will not pull me into all that. Today I look from "sidewalk" and I'm happy because I am aware of what is going on! I am happy, despite or because of everything. I am blessed because I can feel and flow with the positive vibes.

"Keep up and you will be kept up." ~Yogi Bhajan

Today is the day for change!

Yesterday evening I was told that I always think that everybody and everyone is against me. I was completely shocked! This statement came form someone that is really dear to me and it triggered a complete blockade and an instant response "I am not like that!" I don't see myself as someone who always sees the bad side of things. On the contrary. I realise I am incredibly lucky! Instead of leaving the autopilot on and saying over and over again that I am not like that, I let emotions run through me. All the rejection, outrage, blame etc. I let everything run through me. I allowed myself to feel them, but I've also let them go. I did not blame the statement or the parson who said that. This was the kind of statement that, in the past, could trigger a fire in a moment, and the fire burned for a long time. But this time it sparked a change, but no fire.

The event was an eye opener. Among other things, it made me to look into the past. How many times have labels from outside defined us? That we are not worthy of love, that no one can live with us, we are unable to communicate, that we are resentful etc...

No matter what others speak about you, what matters is what you think about yourself! We can take them in consideration but all in all what really matters is what is in us. If people do not agree with the opinion we have of ourselves it is up to us to respond to that. Will we listen to our inner Goddess or will we listen to others? 

That defines the path you will take! Will we choose a path of growth and a path of being the best version of ourselves? 

In any case, it is important to listen to the surroundings, but only you honestly know who you are. It is imperative that we are honest with ourselves. You have to acknowledge you best as well as our weakest side. When we acknowledge and accept them only then we can grow.

Every day is an opportunity to grow. Every day there are new possibilities how to get one step closer to the goal. We are not meant to live our life in hiding, as a refugee of our own perception. We are here to live our lives as a Goddess's of our inner beauty that shine through and through!

Your responsibility is to create a better future for yourself! We both know it. And I know you can and WILL make it! Have a fantastic time growing!