Hopes for the new year

I talked to a friend, not long ago, about what people want. What they really want. I try not to assume things. I am very aware of the fact that people assume, when they have no idea and that is how hurt and resentments are born. I don't need that. I try and as for an example. I don't understand so I ask for an example. And I pay attention. To everything, voice shades, gestures, everything. It is only fair. 

I cannot judge how people live and validate their life. Once a friend of mine commented, that I actually have an off-line life and happily I agree. I started noticing how much value is put on "likes" and "views". I know that people crave approval, even if from the virtual world. But I always get this weird bitter taste in my mouth when people talk so proudly of their on-line popularity and likes etc. I always wonder (quietly of course) if it really is worth it. 

I started noticing how important group photos became and how almost every witty thing ended up on Twitter of Facebook or somewhere similar. I banned tagging of photos and became the difficult one. I have no need for everyone to know that I am having a great girls night out. I don't need likes on my newest reading choice etc. But I do realise that is just me. The off-line girl... but then I came across this article and realised that the need of virtual approval penetrated deeper into our lives. It cut to the very core. It is breaking up families and making life unbearable... just because it is not picture perfect. Maybe I don't have problem with that because nothing I am or do is picture perfect. I mean it's life!

But then I dug deeper and I realised quite a few of my friends think the same way. Life shouldn't be seen only through different filters. Life should be explored, tasted and lived! Not just seen through someone else's eyes. No snap of a food-plate or retouched selfie will ever bring me the high a day well lived will. 

I hope new year will bring the realisation that the important thing in life is finding peace, love, joy and excitement in your every day life. Let the game of 2015 begin!   

Pushover

Here’s a funny thing. I am not really a pushover. But there is this woman at work. She perfected the ignorant victim act. And the guilt trip. Good God! She pisses me off. I usually don’t have problems with her and I stand my ground but today she just blind sided me with her demands. I was so shocked that someone would even thought  about demanding something like that and actually expecting that it “will be done”. 

I know it is too late now but I am wondering, how I should have reacted. What my actions should be. I am not going to change her, but I am changing myself. I will be compassionate but firm and I will not be bullied or blackmailed.

Lady you have gone too far. 

Reality is made for living

This has been bubbling in me quite some time. I guess today it has reached the tipping point. 

It is all good and well to want equality and diversity but most of those who speak the loudest don't want it in their back yard. Yes, on some fictional level, but not in reality. The same way we think that we are all equals. Well let me break it down for you boys and girls, we are not. Love all shapes and sizes. Yeah right! The idea is great but reality? Not so much.

The fact is that it is really nice if you do not hate yourself and people that you are surrounded with. Try to live life outside of cyber space and screens. Things that happen on TV and in movies would drive you crazy if they'd happened in real life. And a lot of great things that happen to us go by us unnoticed, because we are too busy imagining things.

And all of the fascination with people on screen is just that, fascination and escape from reality. Reality is, if you would happen to meet one of those who you adore, they wouldn't even notice you or care one way or the other. No they don't care that you are smart and funny and have something big to say. No matter what they claim. Fact is you are not even in the same universe. 

Now get back to your real life and make your dreams come true. Put your obsessions on the shelve and do you best. You have so much to give to the World. Forget the ones who are plastered everywhere. Don't aim to impress anyone. Aim to live your life and be happy. 

Shout out of the day

Maybe today is a funny day but it is fascinating how much negativity is curling around. I can almost taste it. How some are just sucking up and gloating. Things happen. People come and go but why would we want to dwell on other peoples misery, I will ever know.

maybe because so many things happened I am not ready to do that. if that means to be a grown up I am not and I don't want to be., I will not become cynical. I will try to bring people together and do good, not bad. Why would I dress myself in darkness if I can bring stability, compassion and life? 

I always look for inspiring things and funny enough I always find it. I am surrounded with spectacular people who do fantastic work. And I am blessed with life and everything that is around me and my shout out to the world today is... don't give in. Don't let yourself to be sucked in. Don't give in to bullying or insults or humiliation. It is OK if those things touch you, but they do not define you. Only you know who you are and only you can make yourself care for yourself. You never live for anyone else, but yourself.

You are a gift of God, act accordingly. ;)        

My lives worth according to my own blood

Sometimes it happens. When I am put in my spot. I have forgotten. These words were part of my nightmares as long as I remember, and when daylight came I was telling myself everything is just a product of my imagination. But it is not. 

On Saturday they became reality; the mean and spiteful words got mouth and got a voice. But not at death of a night but in pristine nature, illuminated by the sun ... and it became clear that the only possible path is a path that leads away. It was enough. Enough of hurt and I will not allow it to go on. Yes I came from their blood and they have their own truth , as do I. I will no longer struggle and justify my existence to them. Enough is enough. This does not mean that it will not fell remorse . But at least I won't live in a cages and bow my heads willingly, just to please. No more searching for shelter and humility. It was enough. Now it's high time for me and my loved ones. I will no longer adapt so that I belonged. The choice is mine, and they're welcome in my world , but not on their terms.

Cruel words that have cut through unhealed scars to the heart, also cut the ties that held me there. It's nice to be able to breath. Interesting that I never knew that I was breathing with only half of the capacity. That constant breathlessness... I was bending backwards to at least fit in, if I couldn't be accepted. 

I got a recognition all right. They told me what I am, according to them. Lazy, ungrateful,  incompetent and parasitic. Right. I'm sorry they had to see and experience it, as I am their offspring. Thank God they didn't only bet on one horse. Their first runner is running the way it should. I'm happy for them. So life is not a complete waste. 

I am grateful for the realizations, no matter what brought them or how they were delivered. I am grateful to breath again.

Be humbled by gratitude and change the world for the better

Lately, I've more or less blue. And once again I cam across  a young woman that inspires so many. Natali Patterson has a lot to say and supports many. She's nice to hear and read her inspiring words, but her words do not speak me to as is intended. In me they awaken the awareness that I have no right to be blue and anxious. So what if I cannot have children and I am overweight. Elsewhere, people are dying because of the violence, racial, gender, religious... Little girls are married before their time; wives mutilated just because their husbands please so. Machete is a common means of communication.
Women have no education, no means of survival, no support. They do not have the potential for change and no hope for better times. One reminder of harsh reality is a project by photographer Vlad Sokhin Crying Meri. He is showing the misery of women in Morobe province on Kassam Pass in Papua New Guinea. There 90 % of women are victims of gender violence. Life is by no means a walk in the park.
That is one of the reason why I despise my blue state of mind. I should be thriving and changing world for the better. I should be enthusiastic about life and the possibility that we have today and were given to us.
New realisations and gratitude are pouring in and it is humbling. I suppose Spring does bring change and awakening. I sincerely hope and pray that it will bring at least a glimmer of hope to those who need it the most.

Do you feel it?

I mean really??!! Do you? The first blow of spring wind that doesn't freeze your tush off and when you hear birds singing so loud that your ears almost hurt? When we become giddy with anticipation.

Oh yeas I am guessing that the deepest dark comes right before dawn! And even this year I wasn't disappointed! Now it is time to thrive. I know I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I haven't been this optimistic in ages! I know that there will be time for that secret road trip no one except me and co conspirator M. will know about. There will be time to grow whatever I want to grow. We will do a lot of good in the woods and babies will be born and jobs will be done, relationships will be concluded and new one will begin. Oh yeas. There is much to do this season.

Life is grand! No matter of the colour scheme. We have so much to accomplished and so much to feel. Even if its not all good but we experience it anyway and we learn. There are all kinds of people around us. A rich pallet of them. Some spoiled and need to be thrown out of our lives and some precious that still need tender care and those who are there to stay and make our lives oh so rich!

Thank you all my beautiful people! For sticking around, lending a hand and using my shoulder whenever needed. It makes all the difference. I am so proud to be one of you.

Oh yes! The spring is definitely here!

One of those days

The day after... when something that occupied your life ended and you start again. When you have hard time breathing. When you feel life slipping through your fingers. When you know that nothing is enough and the waste of life is a real thing and you are living it.

Maybe that is the indication that I was working too much on others and not enough on myself. And at that realisation I feel guilty, the curtsey of my family. They explain my most feared things as nothing but my imagination. I don't have kids because I don't want them enough. The concentration and effort I put in my mental stability is just result of the fact, that I have "too much time".

It is funny how some comments fuel you inner turmoil. It doesn't matters who they come from. Once a very dear family member said (when I did something) "Oh maybe you are not as stupid as you seam!" And all I could do is smile and say thank you, but I know I cannot rid the stench of that comment.

And when there is time like today... when everything comes bubbling on the surface. You feel guilty for things you never even participated in. You take care of things that were rudely dumped on you and then you take all the insults in stride and smile. Good God and that smile. When you soul weeps but you smile, because if you don't and loose your concentration everything comes crushing down in public... But when you are alone, walls do come down. They just close up on you and you cannot breath.

Today everything sticks. I feel weighted down and trapped. I cannot move. But I smile! Oh I smile like my life is depended on it, and in some way it is. How I wish I was strong as some and I would be able to take everything in stride and learn to take that everything that comes my way is the best thing that could ever happen. Someday I hope I will. But today even the notion that the air that I breath is not a wast, is a huge accomplishment. So I try and I breath... Maybe this too shall pass...