Alone... again

I think I wrote a lot about how people leave. I am suppose to get used to that. Maybe I have, but it is never easy. Sometimes people, who know or you think they know, how important they are to you stop giving a f*** about you. And life becomes even harder.
I try and be understanding. I mean, I know I am not something important or worth while, but it is always spectacular when someone wants to spend time with you. And you invest. Time, energy, love... and then they decide you are not worth their time anymore. It doesn't come as a surprise, but that still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
And then you stand alone. Once again. Just hoping they will see you are worth their time. That you are worth to be in their life; that they might care.
Yeah like that ever happened...

I finally got it

Believing in people is an essential part of me. Knowing good will prevail, that people are not intentionally mean. But that makes no difference when you are left behind. When people you love disappear. When you realise you invested so much time and energy in a relationship that is easily forgotten by the other party. When you realise that no matter how much you love you always stand alone. 

When you are younger you find solace in knowing your family has your back. When you grow up you realise you were living in an illusion. You thought you can trust the people who brought you into this world, but life is full of revelations. Including the realisation, you don't really matter. You are sometimes useful as a means of escape, and maybe sometimes as someone who can provide some sort of service for free, after all, you are family. But when you are honest, you don't really matter. Accepting that lesson is harder then it should be. I have known from an early age that I am not someone people seek out. But I was living under preteens that partners and family would care. Such a silly notion. 

It is kind of hard to ignore the dull ache in your chest. When you know you should be over the moon about the dreams coming true. And you are, but at the same time, the loneliness and loss are evident too. 

When you realise you are just a moron who hoped people could see the good in me. I should have known better. I was told from an early age, I should be ashamed and that I would never be much. One has to be awfully thick to not see the clues. I guess I finally got what they were telling me all this years...

2017

Every year I am looking forward to winter. A time when everything calms down and some sort of evaluation can be made. But this year I am not privileged to that. No time to step back and observe. No time to cool down and evaluate from a healthy perspective. This year has been handing out blow after blow.
When I was growing up I had this romantic notion that when I will be in a certain period of my life things will be clearer, I will be stronger and more attentive. Empty will be my go to state; that I will be enough just because I am. But this year knocked all the remaining naivety out of me. When you have been born with the preposition you are trash then there is no way you can ever be anything more then that...
In more cynical moments I laugh at my constant will to try harder. I have no idea why I don't just give up and let go. But I have been trained too well. I have to shoulder lions part of the blame, no matter if it was of my making or not. I am here to carry it. And if there comes a time of weakness and I stand up for myself or my loved one... Ohhh the horror! How can I be so ungrateful! You selfish, selfish soul. It is so unfair of me to forget (even for a minute) where my place is. The family embarrassment..
Yup. It is a blessing to not have time for any kind of reflection... that way I might get a silly notion to talk back and maybe grow a spine... and we can't have that, can we?
I hate 2017.

The disappearing act

I've been a pen pal for over two decades... on and off. But I was really active the last couple of months. I love the process, I love getting to know people and forging new friendships that wouldn't have happened otherwise. I am a long term kind of pen pal. In the last few weeks two things have happened in my pen pal world. I was shot down quite harshly by two people that I really liked writing to. They both work in the same field on almost identical positions, but I think that is just a coincidence. 

I make it a point to never lie and I try to be as clear as possible. I am not misleading and I don't have a pen pal/Internet persona. I am who I am and I operate under assumption that others are like that as well. 

The things that have happened? I was shot down by two people for being me and being honest. Not mean or hurtful or anything like that. Not purposely at least or to my knowledge. Well I feel like I've lost two friends. And it sucks. I love people. I know I am not the best person in the world, but I have hoped to be a decent person that would be worth more then a harsh brush off. Well as it turned out all the hours spent writing and reading etc. are more or less worthless to the people I invested that time in. The relationship easily discharged. And that hurts big time. 

But when I think about the situation further, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It has been happening to me for ages. I guess I am just too thick to learn my lesson and stop believing in people, expect the worst and all that jazz. I still believe in family even though they throw me under the bus whenever it suits them. I believe in people and I believe in my friends. I still love and I still dream. I still think good will prevail. I know I am naive and I have to learn my lesson and that most of the time the majority of things that are happening have nothing to do with me. 

My plan of action? Be the best wife/daughter/aunt/friend/penpal/coworker/whatever I can ever be. There will always be better/smarter/more astounding/whatever you want then me. But I will try my best to be better. I don't function under any pretence that I deserve anything. I am not entitled to anything, but I would love to be granted a common curtsy. But as it turns out, that is way more then I (at least according to some) deserve. Maybe some day I will understand and I will learn the lesson...

To my collected family

We are used to whining. Sometimes we just need to let of a bit of steam to breath again and sometimes we are just too self absorbed to notice how unjust we are. And sometimes we find people who are just a blessing. I am not saying anything about perfection, mind you, but I am talking about how some people are just spectacular. I won't go into details, but sometimes this spectacular people cross our paths; it is one in a million chance that you meet them and most of the time the odds aren't in your favour. But sometimes we just beat the odds. And when that happens you have to see. You have to take a leap of faith and jump. I jumped this summer and met a spectacular person that brings so much light into my life, most of the time just by being.
I think that in this life we have two families. One we are born into (we have no influence on what family we are born into) and the other we collect. We choose our partners and we collect our friends. When you are really blessed and can be bothered to take your head out of your ass, you form a strong family filled with spectacular humans from all walks of life.
My collected family is vibrant, full of people from all over. They are my chicks! Ok some guys are huge, but I still worry and mama hen is never pleased when my chicks aren't happy and fed, so my chicks. The point is, we have to work hard to form our family. It doesn't just happen. We have to be open and vulnerable and we have to take leaps of faith. Plus we have to stuck together. We have to be there even when we "don't have time". We take care of each other. And we don't forget. This bonds are strong and they last a lifetime. We don't stop talking because someone forgot a birthday or someone has a bad day or a piece of land was divided. We stick together and we tell each other the truth. Even when we suck or when we are wrong; but we know it comes from the place of love; not from the place where control is everything.
I am blessed. I have both families. One that I didn't choose (and for them I am definitely not the first pick), but I accepted it. The other family I collected. And I collect with care and I am one blessed person. When you have THAT family you know you did good. I did something really right.
Darlings you are my saviours, my shoulders to cry on and the ones that make everything worth while. You are the ones that jell at and with me and whisper encouragements. You know when to slap the stupid out of me and when to smother me with hugs and kisses, even when I scream to let go. You know and you are deeply appreciated.

I love you all!

p.s. Today it was pointed out to me that my posts are depressing. This is part of my redemption. :)

The things that have never been

Can you mourn things you never had? The never stolen kisses, dances never danced, adorations never acknowledged, touches never touched, meadow flowers never picked just for you? Can you miss things you never had? Babies you never gave birth to, family never acknowledging, partner never really loving? Can all this things create a hole in your soul with simply an absence of its existence? How do you mourn the things you never experienced, if it was never meant to be? If you are not deserving? What if your purpose of life is a reminder to other what will happen to them if they don't do their best? How do you handle that? How can you love, smile, dream or work knowing you are the worst case scenario personified?

There have been three other things on my mind lately... 

When you don't expect support (as an defence mechanism) the enabler for others to not giving the support you really need? 

When you are the understanding one, after all each plays the leading role in their life... when is my time? When will it be my time to be understood?

When did trying to do good became keeping busy and miserable? When did knowing/uderstanding became pain?

A lot of questions and not a lot of sense or answers. Just a lot of condemnation and pain. In fairy tales even the ogres get a chance. Unbelievably silly to seek some meaning in tales. I guess things just aren't meant to be. 

Tired...

I am so tired of trying. Tired of faking it and never making it. I am so tired of living life for others and trying to holding things together. I am so tired of running. I am tired of being my own rock. I am tired of avoiding  my own reflection. I am tired of shallow breaths and hiding.

I am so tired of being attentive to others and constantly complimenting… hoping that someone will notice me, but they never do. 

But I guess everyone get what they deserve, right? So I mustn't complain. I have to be good and thank for the shit I am being served. At least I am alive and with my track record that is quite an achievement.

I do hope you are having a better… life?