The things that have never been

Can you mourn things you never had? The never stolen kisses, dances never danced, adorations never acknowledged, touches never touched, meadow flowers never picked just for you? Can you miss things you never had? Babies you never gave birth to, family never acknowledging, partner never really loving? Can all this things create a hole in your soul with simply an absence of its existence? How do you mourn the things you never experienced, if it was never meant to be? If you are not deserving? What if your purpose of life is a reminder to other what will happen to them if they don't do their best? How do you handle that? How can you love, smile, dream or work knowing you are the worst case scenario personified?

There have been three other things on my mind lately... 

When you don't expect support (as an defence mechanism) the enabler for others to not giving the support you really need? 

When you are the understanding one, after all each plays the leading role in their life... when is my time? When will it be my time to be understood?

When did trying to do good became keeping busy and miserable? When did knowing/uderstanding became pain?

A lot of questions and not a lot of sense or answers. Just a lot of condemnation and pain. In fairy tales even the ogres get a chance. Unbelievably silly to seek some meaning in tales. I guess things just aren't meant to be. 

Tired...

I am so tired of trying. Tired of faking it and never making it. I am so tired of living life for others and trying to holding things together. I am so tired of running. I am tired of being my own rock. I am tired of avoiding  my own reflection. I am tired of shallow breaths and hiding.

I am so tired of being attentive to others and constantly complimenting… hoping that someone will notice me, but they never do. 

But I guess everyone get what they deserve, right? So I mustn't complain. I have to be good and thank for the shit I am being served. At least I am alive and with my track record that is quite an achievement.

I do hope you are having a better… life?

Life happens

Every time... There is always a day when everything comes crashing down. I was flying high for quite some time. I was healthy, happy, stable, but then yesterday I felt it. I felt it deep in my bones and I knew. It was pulsing through my core. So today, after another restless night, there was time for reality and sobering thoughts. 

It doesn't matter, it never mattered. It doesn't matter how strong I am for others or how much I love and support. It doesn't matter how much energy I put in better today and tomorrow. But I know, I always knew. I am not enough. I am never enough. It doesn't matter how understanding and accepting I am, nor how many times I "turn the other cheek". Sometimes non of the excuses work. All I know is that I am left behind, alone and with bitter taste in my mouth.

I despise me above all. How is it possible that I still trust so much? How come I still believe? How is it possible that my balance is so fragile? My excuse for being here is that I try to help, I try to be there for others, but I know it is not enough. After all "life happens", right? I know that and they know that. So I take all the contempt, neglect and ridicule; at least I am getting something...

But I count my blessings. Oh how I count them... at least I am here...

I was told that the only thing I have to do is ask for help, but I am always baffled  by it. How come no one ever notices? I mean I am really not that good of an actress! They are so good with words and promises, as long as they don't have to back them up with actual actions. But that's life... right? 

To be noticed you have to matter. So why would they? I'm always there to lend a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or root for them. And to be honest, to be noticed you have to be worthy. And here the flickering of  a realisation starts to take shape... 

Hopes for the new year

I talked to a friend, not long ago, about what people want. What they really want. I try not to assume things. I am very aware of the fact that people assume, when they have no idea and that is how hurt and resentments are born. I don't need that. I try and as for an example. I don't understand so I ask for an example. And I pay attention. To everything, voice shades, gestures, everything. It is only fair. 

I cannot judge how people live and validate their life. Once a friend of mine commented, that I actually have an off-line life and happily I agree. I started noticing how much value is put on "likes" and "views". I know that people crave approval, even if from the virtual world. But I always get this weird bitter taste in my mouth when people talk so proudly of their on-line popularity and likes etc. I always wonder (quietly of course) if it really is worth it. 

I started noticing how important group photos became and how almost every witty thing ended up on Twitter of Facebook or somewhere similar. I banned tagging of photos and became the difficult one. I have no need for everyone to know that I am having a great girls night out. I don't need likes on my newest reading choice etc. But I do realise that is just me. The off-line girl... but then I came across this article and realised that the need of virtual approval penetrated deeper into our lives. It cut to the very core. It is breaking up families and making life unbearable... just because it is not picture perfect. Maybe I don't have problem with that because nothing I am or do is picture perfect. I mean it's life!

But then I dug deeper and I realised quite a few of my friends think the same way. Life shouldn't be seen only through different filters. Life should be explored, tasted and lived! Not just seen through someone else's eyes. No snap of a food-plate or retouched selfie will ever bring me the high a day well lived will. 

I hope new year will bring the realisation that the important thing in life is finding peace, love, joy and excitement in your every day life. Let the game of 2015 begin!   

Pushover

Here’s a funny thing. I am not really a pushover. But there is this woman at work. She perfected the ignorant victim act. And the guilt trip. Good God! She pisses me off. I usually don’t have problems with her and I stand my ground but today she just blind sided me with her demands. I was so shocked that someone would even thought  about demanding something like that and actually expecting that it “will be done”. 

I know it is too late now but I am wondering, how I should have reacted. What my actions should be. I am not going to change her, but I am changing myself. I will be compassionate but firm and I will not be bullied or blackmailed.

Lady you have gone too far. 

Reality is made for living

This has been bubbling in me quite some time. I guess today it has reached the tipping point. 

It is all good and well to want equality and diversity but most of those who speak the loudest don't want it in their back yard. Yes, on some fictional level, but not in reality. The same way we think that we are all equals. Well let me break it down for you boys and girls, we are not. Love all shapes and sizes. Yeah right! The idea is great but reality? Not so much.

The fact is that it is really nice if you do not hate yourself and people that you are surrounded with. Try to live life outside of cyber space and screens. Things that happen on TV and in movies would drive you crazy if they'd happened in real life. And a lot of great things that happen to us go by us unnoticed, because we are too busy imagining things.

And all of the fascination with people on screen is just that, fascination and escape from reality. Reality is, if you would happen to meet one of those who you adore, they wouldn't even notice you or care one way or the other. No they don't care that you are smart and funny and have something big to say. No matter what they claim. Fact is you are not even in the same universe. 

Now get back to your real life and make your dreams come true. Put your obsessions on the shelve and do you best. You have so much to give to the World. Forget the ones who are plastered everywhere. Don't aim to impress anyone. Aim to live your life and be happy. 

Shout out of the day

Maybe today is a funny day but it is fascinating how much negativity is curling around. I can almost taste it. How some are just sucking up and gloating. Things happen. People come and go but why would we want to dwell on other peoples misery, I will ever know.

maybe because so many things happened I am not ready to do that. if that means to be a grown up I am not and I don't want to be., I will not become cynical. I will try to bring people together and do good, not bad. Why would I dress myself in darkness if I can bring stability, compassion and life? 

I always look for inspiring things and funny enough I always find it. I am surrounded with spectacular people who do fantastic work. And I am blessed with life and everything that is around me and my shout out to the world today is... don't give in. Don't let yourself to be sucked in. Don't give in to bullying or insults or humiliation. It is OK if those things touch you, but they do not define you. Only you know who you are and only you can make yourself care for yourself. You never live for anyone else, but yourself.

You are a gift of God, act accordingly. ;)