Be humbled by gratitude and change the world for the better

Lately, I've more or less blue. And once again I cam across  a young woman that inspires so many. Natali Patterson has a lot to say and supports many. She's nice to hear and read her inspiring words, but her words do not speak me to as is intended. In me they awaken the awareness that I have no right to be blue and anxious. So what if I cannot have children and I am overweight. Elsewhere, people are dying because of the violence, racial, gender, religious... Little girls are married before their time; wives mutilated just because their husbands please so. Machete is a common means of communication.
Women have no education, no means of survival, no support. They do not have the potential for change and no hope for better times. One reminder of harsh reality is a project by photographer Vlad Sokhin Crying Meri. He is showing the misery of women in Morobe province on Kassam Pass in Papua New Guinea. There 90 % of women are victims of gender violence. Life is by no means a walk in the park.
That is one of the reason why I despise my blue state of mind. I should be thriving and changing world for the better. I should be enthusiastic about life and the possibility that we have today and were given to us.
New realisations and gratitude are pouring in and it is humbling. I suppose Spring does bring change and awakening. I sincerely hope and pray that it will bring at least a glimmer of hope to those who need it the most.

Do you feel it?

I mean really??!! Do you? The first blow of spring wind that doesn't freeze your tush off and when you hear birds singing so loud that your ears almost hurt? When we become giddy with anticipation.

Oh yeas I am guessing that the deepest dark comes right before dawn! And even this year I wasn't disappointed! Now it is time to thrive. I know I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I haven't been this optimistic in ages! I know that there will be time for that secret road trip no one except me and co conspirator M. will know about. There will be time to grow whatever I want to grow. We will do a lot of good in the woods and babies will be born and jobs will be done, relationships will be concluded and new one will begin. Oh yeas. There is much to do this season.

Life is grand! No matter of the colour scheme. We have so much to accomplished and so much to feel. Even if its not all good but we experience it anyway and we learn. There are all kinds of people around us. A rich pallet of them. Some spoiled and need to be thrown out of our lives and some precious that still need tender care and those who are there to stay and make our lives oh so rich!

Thank you all my beautiful people! For sticking around, lending a hand and using my shoulder whenever needed. It makes all the difference. I am so proud to be one of you.

Oh yes! The spring is definitely here!

One of those days

The day after... when something that occupied your life ended and you start again. When you have hard time breathing. When you feel life slipping through your fingers. When you know that nothing is enough and the waste of life is a real thing and you are living it.

Maybe that is the indication that I was working too much on others and not enough on myself. And at that realisation I feel guilty, the curtsey of my family. They explain my most feared things as nothing but my imagination. I don't have kids because I don't want them enough. The concentration and effort I put in my mental stability is just result of the fact, that I have "too much time".

It is funny how some comments fuel you inner turmoil. It doesn't matters who they come from. Once a very dear family member said (when I did something) "Oh maybe you are not as stupid as you seam!" And all I could do is smile and say thank you, but I know I cannot rid the stench of that comment.

And when there is time like today... when everything comes bubbling on the surface. You feel guilty for things you never even participated in. You take care of things that were rudely dumped on you and then you take all the insults in stride and smile. Good God and that smile. When you soul weeps but you smile, because if you don't and loose your concentration everything comes crushing down in public... But when you are alone, walls do come down. They just close up on you and you cannot breath.

Today everything sticks. I feel weighted down and trapped. I cannot move. But I smile! Oh I smile like my life is depended on it, and in some way it is. How I wish I was strong as some and I would be able to take everything in stride and learn to take that everything that comes my way is the best thing that could ever happen. Someday I hope I will. But today even the notion that the air that I breath is not a wast, is a huge accomplishment. So I try and I breath... Maybe this too shall pass...

     

Go with God my dear dancer

I just found out a friend of mine died. She died way too early… or at least that is what I hear a voice in my head say. I hear it and I know I have no idea what right time to die is. I just know that it hurts and a wave of sadness and abandomness washes over me again and again. I cannot imagine how her loved ones feel…

We danced together and shared time and talked. We weren't super close, but she was special. I knew she was struggling but I didn't want to bother her with my concerns. And now she is gone. I feel like I have to hold her so tight, but I know I can’t, she already slipped away. She is needed elsewhere.
Go with God my dear and spread your beautiful wings…thank you for your time

Morning bike ride...

Today on my bike ride to work I remembered... the smell of just cut nettles brought memories of my grandma. Remembering the suffering, her no nonsense attitude towards life and love for her children. The idea that her children learned so little and grandchildren had the privilege of knowing her. Her understanding and courage. 

And when summer starts being cool again and when you remember that life is not just fun and games, but then again it is about time you stop taking yourself seriously... Just be passionate and honest and do things that are worth your time and stop worrying about the others. How good or bad they are has noting to do with how good or bad you are. 

Let yourself be better and make world a better place.

Oh! And I saw a field of sunflowers... haven't seen that in years... so yeah. happy morning!

Today the negativity will pass me by...

Today is obviously one of those days ... When in the morning you would do anything for another second under the covers; when there are delays where you hate them the most, when most people at work are frustrated and when somehow everything goes down the drain. When you feel restless and you want to be anywhere but here. This is not that restlessness that gives you energy to do a million things at once but that sticky, dark, fussy kind that burdens you and you cannot seams to get away from it all... But this time I saw it coming. I wont let it swallow me. I am ready! And only by sensing it, the sticky creature goes away. It surprises me, how little it takes to sense it and only by that, you almost solve it or at least find a solution.

All the restlessness, which is attacking me from everywhere... Today it will go empty handed. The restlessness that turns into negativity, will not get me into their clutches! Today is the day for positivity and no one will change that!

Today negativity wont spread around. We know when the ears and heart open and when they are closed. Today I am enjoying a bath of positivity, which the Universe is enabling me.

OK that sounds too esoteric to be readable, but fundamentally it means that I'll let people jump at each others throats, let them fight and spent one another, screaming at one another and are "cynical and sarcastic." Enjoy, but you will not pull me into all that. Today I look from "sidewalk" and I'm happy because I am aware of what is going on! I am happy, despite or because of everything. I am blessed because I can feel and flow with the positive vibes.

"Keep up and you will be kept up." ~Yogi Bhajan

Today is the day for change!

Yesterday evening I was told that I always think that everybody and everyone is against me. I was completely shocked! This statement came form someone that is really dear to me and it triggered a complete blockade and an instant response "I am not like that!" I don't see myself as someone who always sees the bad side of things. On the contrary. I realise I am incredibly lucky! Instead of leaving the autopilot on and saying over and over again that I am not like that, I let emotions run through me. All the rejection, outrage, blame etc. I let everything run through me. I allowed myself to feel them, but I've also let them go. I did not blame the statement or the parson who said that. This was the kind of statement that, in the past, could trigger a fire in a moment, and the fire burned for a long time. But this time it sparked a change, but no fire.

The event was an eye opener. Among other things, it made me to look into the past. How many times have labels from outside defined us? That we are not worthy of love, that no one can live with us, we are unable to communicate, that we are resentful etc...

No matter what others speak about you, what matters is what you think about yourself! We can take them in consideration but all in all what really matters is what is in us. If people do not agree with the opinion we have of ourselves it is up to us to respond to that. Will we listen to our inner Goddess or will we listen to others? 

That defines the path you will take! Will we choose a path of growth and a path of being the best version of ourselves? 

In any case, it is important to listen to the surroundings, but only you honestly know who you are. It is imperative that we are honest with ourselves. You have to acknowledge you best as well as our weakest side. When we acknowledge and accept them only then we can grow.

Every day is an opportunity to grow. Every day there are new possibilities how to get one step closer to the goal. We are not meant to live our life in hiding, as a refugee of our own perception. We are here to live our lives as a Goddess's of our inner beauty that shine through and through!

Your responsibility is to create a better future for yourself! We both know it. And I know you can and WILL make it! Have a fantastic time growing!