Every time... There is always a day when everything comes crashing down. I was flying high for quite some time. I was healthy, happy, stable, but then yesterday I felt it. I felt it deep in my bones and I knew. It was pulsing through my core. So today, after another restless night, there was time for reality and sobering thoughts.
It doesn't matter, it never mattered. It doesn't matter how strong I am for others or how much I love and support. It doesn't matter how much energy I put in better today and tomorrow. But I know, I always knew. I am not enough. I am never enough. It doesn't matter how understanding and accepting I am, nor how many times I "turn the other cheek". Sometimes non of the excuses work. All I know is that I am left behind, alone and with bitter taste in my mouth.
I despise me above all. How is it possible that I still trust so much? How come I still believe? How is it possible that my balance is so fragile? My excuse for being here is that I try to help, I try to be there for others, but I know it is not enough. After all "life happens", right? I know that and they know that. So I take all the contempt, neglect and ridicule; at least I am getting something...
But I count my blessings. Oh how I count them... at least I am here...
I was told that the only thing I have to do is ask for help, but I am always baffled by it. How come no one ever notices? I mean I am really not that good of an actress! They are so good with words and promises, as long as they don't have to back them up with actual actions. But that's life... right?
To be noticed you have to matter. So why would they? I'm always there to lend a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or root for them. And to be honest, to be noticed you have to be worthy. And here the flickering of a realisation starts to take shape...
