Be humbled by gratitude and change the world for the better

Lately, I've more or less blue. And once again I cam across  a young woman that inspires so many. Natali Patterson has a lot to say and supports many. She's nice to hear and read her inspiring words, but her words do not speak me to as is intended. In me they awaken the awareness that I have no right to be blue and anxious. So what if I cannot have children and I am overweight. Elsewhere, people are dying because of the violence, racial, gender, religious... Little girls are married before their time; wives mutilated just because their husbands please so. Machete is a common means of communication.
Women have no education, no means of survival, no support. They do not have the potential for change and no hope for better times. One reminder of harsh reality is a project by photographer Vlad Sokhin Crying Meri. He is showing the misery of women in Morobe province on Kassam Pass in Papua New Guinea. There 90 % of women are victims of gender violence. Life is by no means a walk in the park.
That is one of the reason why I despise my blue state of mind. I should be thriving and changing world for the better. I should be enthusiastic about life and the possibility that we have today and were given to us.
New realisations and gratitude are pouring in and it is humbling. I suppose Spring does bring change and awakening. I sincerely hope and pray that it will bring at least a glimmer of hope to those who need it the most.

Do you feel it?

I mean really??!! Do you? The first blow of spring wind that doesn't freeze your tush off and when you hear birds singing so loud that your ears almost hurt? When we become giddy with anticipation.

Oh yeas I am guessing that the deepest dark comes right before dawn! And even this year I wasn't disappointed! Now it is time to thrive. I know I know I am getting ahead of myself, but I haven't been this optimistic in ages! I know that there will be time for that secret road trip no one except me and co conspirator M. will know about. There will be time to grow whatever I want to grow. We will do a lot of good in the woods and babies will be born and jobs will be done, relationships will be concluded and new one will begin. Oh yeas. There is much to do this season.

Life is grand! No matter of the colour scheme. We have so much to accomplished and so much to feel. Even if its not all good but we experience it anyway and we learn. There are all kinds of people around us. A rich pallet of them. Some spoiled and need to be thrown out of our lives and some precious that still need tender care and those who are there to stay and make our lives oh so rich!

Thank you all my beautiful people! For sticking around, lending a hand and using my shoulder whenever needed. It makes all the difference. I am so proud to be one of you.

Oh yes! The spring is definitely here!

One of those days

The day after... when something that occupied your life ended and you start again. When you have hard time breathing. When you feel life slipping through your fingers. When you know that nothing is enough and the waste of life is a real thing and you are living it.

Maybe that is the indication that I was working too much on others and not enough on myself. And at that realisation I feel guilty, the curtsey of my family. They explain my most feared things as nothing but my imagination. I don't have kids because I don't want them enough. The concentration and effort I put in my mental stability is just result of the fact, that I have "too much time".

It is funny how some comments fuel you inner turmoil. It doesn't matters who they come from. Once a very dear family member said (when I did something) "Oh maybe you are not as stupid as you seam!" And all I could do is smile and say thank you, but I know I cannot rid the stench of that comment.

And when there is time like today... when everything comes bubbling on the surface. You feel guilty for things you never even participated in. You take care of things that were rudely dumped on you and then you take all the insults in stride and smile. Good God and that smile. When you soul weeps but you smile, because if you don't and loose your concentration everything comes crushing down in public... But when you are alone, walls do come down. They just close up on you and you cannot breath.

Today everything sticks. I feel weighted down and trapped. I cannot move. But I smile! Oh I smile like my life is depended on it, and in some way it is. How I wish I was strong as some and I would be able to take everything in stride and learn to take that everything that comes my way is the best thing that could ever happen. Someday I hope I will. But today even the notion that the air that I breath is not a wast, is a huge accomplishment. So I try and I breath... Maybe this too shall pass...